HOW TO CREATE A LOVING RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN SUSTAIN - INTRODUCTION

Originally published 11/09


Once upon a time there was a princess. She dreamed of her prince charming. She waited and waited. One day, he finally arrived on his white horse. They fell in love and rode off into the sunset, and lived happily ever after. This is pretty much the romantic myth we have grown up with. Trouble is, it isn’t that simple. What if instead we were taught that in order to find “the one” we must first look at our own flawed, inaccurate or immature ways of being in our relationships with others? What if we learn to create relationships that work, and trust that as we grow, our relationships will also change and improve? Imagine how that shift in attitude would affect our relationships.

• What if each partner has enough self-development, self-knowledge and relationship knowledge that they can provide consistent guidance, support and nurturing for their partner?
• What if we learn to help heal our partners and ourselves?
• What if when one of us falls apart or loses perspective, the other can hold the space for him or her without receiving much in return, until the partner recovers?
• What if in doing all of this, we become a community of people who support and help each other instead of inflict wounds on each other?

These are important questions, for they point to levels of self-development and skill that all of us need. We need to be solid ourselves before we are capable of being in a truly fulfilling and sustainable relationship.

What does a “relationship ready” person look like? Briefly:

1. We have an internal sense of safety. We trust ourselves and others trust us. We are competent in terms of survival issues as well as feel emotionally safe. We take care of ourselves. We see the world in terms of abundance rather than scarcity. Because we trust ourselves, we feel safe and we can enjoy and play in our relationships. We are able to be on the same team with others.

2. We are accountable and take responsibility for ourselves. We are unafraid to look at ourselves, to see our part in whatever is occurring. Our imperfections are not something we are ashamed of, but an expression of our humanness and a part of our path. We know that as our imperfections arise, they guide us to the next task.

3. We are self-empowered enough to respect ourselves as well as our partner. In our relationships we are able to tolerate our differences. Sometimes this means we compromise or shift our position. Sometimes it means we stand firm and do not give in.

4. We recognize love as the guiding principle in our relationships. We open our hearts to take in our partner’s vulnerabilities. We have empathy as well as are able to be vulnerable ourselves. Our hearts connect through our vulnerabilities and we choose to behave in a loving manner. Because we can be vulnerability and have empathy for the other, we are able to forgive rather than resent.

5. We communicate honestly even if it feels risky, because we know that love is a fantasy if we don’t actually share our true selves. We have the ability to listen. We want to hear the other’s stories and tell them ours, because we want to know each other.

6. We have emotional intelligence; we strive to understand ourselves. We know what our feelings are and why we are having them. We are able to manage our feelings. We use our self-understanding to make our relationship work and our feelings assist us, rather than wreak havoc on our relationship.

7. We understand what our relationship is asking of us, and its purpose. We see the bigger picture. We are willing to stretch because we know that a fulfilling relationship will require us to grow. We know that learning to love means becoming whole.

Tall order? Yup. Possible? Yup.

Take your pick: you can work on growing and becoming more “relational” while you wait for the right relationship, or you can just wait.

Now that we’ve mapped out the “what” lets look more closely at each of these needs and the “how” of getting there. Sign up for the next 7 parts (free) on my website.

"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2009"