Why I wrote "How to talk about what we need to talk about but can't talk about."

I wrote this article because this is an area where I can get scared. When I am in the state of needing to talk about something, and the other person gets triggered, I can feel myself tense up. My own history of not feeling heard emerges. I had to learn how to not keep trying to talk about the thing that I wanted to talk about, and instead talk about what was actually happening between myself and the other person. This enabled me to become less reactive, use my brain differently, and develop an increased ability to stay in the present moment. I would love to hear about your experience with this. Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/why-i-wrote-how-to-talk-about-what-we-need-to-talk-about-but-cant-talk-about/

HOW TO TALK ABOUT WHAT WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT BUT NEED TO TALK ABOUT

Sometimes our wounds collide in such a way that we hit a roadblock. One of us has an intense need to talk about something.The other can't bear hearing about it. For example: Jane was worried about how her partner took care of everyone in the world except himself, including his health. He seemed weak to her in this area and it bothered her. She felt a burning desire to talk to him about this. She couldn't stand being silent. One night she brought it up, but Steve only heard what was wrong with him, how he wasn't good enough. He felt ashamed, upset, angry, abandoned and sad. "Get me out of here," his brain screamed. Jane realized it was going all-wrong and she felt frantic and bad. This isn't what she wanted.She wanted him to understand what she was saying, to see what was wrong and change. Instead, he left saying he needed to be by himself to think. "Oh God," she thought, "What did I do? How do I deal with this?"

Jane and Steve have hit a roadblock. In this case, one of the party feels that they MUST express their feelings and what they see, and the other party feels that they MUST get away because they feel so hurt or trapped as a result. There is no space to talk. Both parties are caught in intense feelings and fears. Neither can move in any direction without a reaction, without bumping into a ghost from their past, or their partner's.When a couple finds themselves in this dynamic, stuffing feelings doesn't work and isn't the answer, nor does pushing the agenda.There is only one way out that works. The answer is this:

Jane says to Steve (or vice versa), "We are really struggling talking about this. Lets talk about why this discussion is so hard for us and what it is bringing up for us." Jane and Steve are no longer talking about the issue itself. Now they are talking about the minefield within which the issue resides. Jane says further, "I grew up watching my parents behave in ways that was really painful for me. My mom never confronted my dad on how he ignored me. She babied him instead. She took care of him instead of me. I couldn't stand it. There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless and it hurt. So when I watch you behave in certain ways, taking care of others instead of yourself (and therefore us), I am terrified. I feel turned off. I don't know what to do. I am afraid you aren't taking care of your health and I will lose you eventually. Then when I can't talk to you about what I see, I feel stuck. It also scares me because I want to be with you, but what if I get trapped? Trapped the way I felt as a kid with my parents. I don't know how to talk to you and get you to understand me in a way that feels safe to you and I really want to. I don't know how to be there for you and myself at the same time in this area." Steve thinks about this for a minute. He replies, "I need to know that you are not trying to change me, that you care about me the way I am. I have plenty of history around not being accepted, being put down, and being controlled so when we get into this area, I feel so hurt that I just want to run away. I feel unloved. I feel not good enough for you, or even for myself. It is such an awful feeling. How can I talk when it feels like you are criticizing me and I feel so horrible about myself?"

Steve and Jane are not talking about the issue of "You don't take care of yourself." Instead, they are talking about the issue of, "It is really hard to talk to you when I love you, but what I have to say will hurt you. I am scared of you reacting and being hurt and leaving." And they are talking about, "It's really hard to talk when I love you and am scared of losing you but I feel criticized, not good enough, and think I am disgusting to you." Steve and Jane need to talk about how difficult it is to talk about this, rather than the issue itself of Steve's caretaking of others. That is how they will eventually get to that issue.

The conversation continues. Jane says, "When I try to talk about this with you, you get hurt and I get really scared. I don't want to hurt you. I want you to know how much I care about you and how much I want us to be able to talk." Steve says, "When you try to talk about this with me, I feel hurt and want to leave and I don't want to leave you." They talk more about their fear of both losing each other and of being trapped in something that is not good for them. They talk about how this issue is so "hot" for both of them that they cannot talk about it. They talk about their histories and where these intense feelings are coming from. As Steve and Jane talk, they are opening up space around their wounds and fears. They are bringing in some fresh air and getting to know and understand each other better. They are learning new things about each other and themselves. Steve doesn't take care of himself because he doesn't fully value himself. He's learned to value his ability to give to others instead. Jane pushes to be seen, because she was so unseen as a child.

Steve and Jane discover that they have a way to talk that they did not use to have. They both understand why they are reacting so strongly to the other. They understand what they are afraid of. This is what they need to talk about first, before they can ever get to the actual "issue," because the issue is embedded in their wounds. Both come to understand and have empathy for the other. Both become more able to see themselves and talk about who they are and how they impact each other.

"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/how-to-talk-about-what-we-cant-talk-about-but-need-to-talk-about/

When Wounds Collide

When wounds collide, we suffer and we don't feel safe. Our partner becomes somebody we no longer trust. It is one of the most painful aspects of a relationship. When we are scared, we act in ways that do not help our relationships. When we feel safe, our relationships can blossom. Do you remember O'Henry's story "The Gift of the Magi"? In that story, Della cut off her most valued asset, her hair, to buy a watch chain for her husband Jim. Jim's most valuable possession was his watch. He sold his beautiful watch, to buy a barrette for his wife's gorgeous hair. It is a story of two people willing to sacrifice what is most valuable to them to express their love. The following story is about the opposite. It is a story of two people terrified to lose what they need most - a picture of what happens when our wounds collide.

Jason had picked up his wife Mattie and they were driving to an event together. Mattie asked Jason if he had put the cats in for the night. Jason replied, "Well I got Fluffy in but not Whisper." Mattie froze. "Did you shut the cat door?" she asked. "Yes, of course," Jason said, not seeing what was coming. Mattie started to tear up. "What do you mean? Are you kidding?" she said. "No," Jason said, feeling confused. "You locked Whisper out?" she asked again, incredulous. "I called and called and he didn't come home." Jason explained. "But there are coyotes," she said. "What if he is chased and runs to the door and it is shut and he gets caught and eaten?" "That won't happen," Jason replied. "I've never seen a coyote around here and he is a smart cat. He can get on the roof or climb a tree." Mattie is sitting stiffly. She feels alone and trapped. She knows he could be right, but she also knows that if something happened, she wouldn't be able to live with herself. She is imagining Whisper running for the door and feeling terrified as a coyote runs after him. "Do you want me to turn around and ruin this evening?" Jason asked, his voice cutting through the air angrily. "No," Mattie mumbled. She is silent and upset. She doesn't know what to say. Jason also feels confused. He starts sinking into an overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness. "Why she is being so irrational? What just happened? How could my perfectly sane woman lose her mind?"

When they came home later that night, Whisper was at the front door waiting for them. Later they talked. Mattie said maybe it would have been better to have asked to turn around and have him be mad rather than to be unable to forgive herself if something had happened to Whisper. Jason said that if she had insisted that they turn around, he wouldn't just be mad. He would be struggling with a lot of doubt about being in a relationship with someone who was irrational. He said that not turning around was a big deal for him. It had given him hope that she wasn't crazy like all the others. Although they could talk about the incident, they were at an impasse.

What is going on here?

Mattie had grown up on a farm. She had many pets as a child, and these pets were very important to her. There were many tragedies over the years; pet ducklings brutally decapitated by a raccoon in the middle of the night, shrieks filling the air, a pheasant chick that was accidentally stepped on and died in front of her, the family dog shot by a hunter. With each of these tragedies and many more, Mattie had wished she had been able to foresee and prevent it. Instead, whenever one of her pets died, she felt responsible, scared and alone. For her, the idea of her beloved Whisper being locked out and perhaps unsafe, was intolerable. And the thought that Jason would get angry instead of have empathy and understand her, brought her right back to some of the feelings and events of her childhood.

Jason had grown up in with a violently alcoholic father who would taunt him and his siblings. He watched this wildly illogical man harm his family, watched as he beat them, and tormented them. He had watched his mother's helplessness, the pain on his mother's face and her early death due to stress. He had no tolerance for anything illogical. For him it was also a matter of life and death. Mattie's seeming illogical thinking made him feel completely unsafe and scared him to death.

As Mattie and Jason continued to talk, they came to see that their wounds were very much alive for them. They realized that they both had a lot of fear around these areas that needed to be attended to. They also realized that they could be friends and talk despite the feelings that were being triggered in each of them.

"When Wounds Collide," is a common dynamic and painful aspect in many relationships. For this scenario to resolve, both parties have to look at how fear is coloring their perceptions and gain some perspective. Mattie needs to bring in some sense of reason. Yes, it could happen, a coyote could eat Whisper, but it wasn't likely. Jason needs to realize that 1% craziness in somebody is not the same as 100% as in his father. Both parties need to understand and communicate their wounds. They need to see how their wounds keep them limited and that their wounds are calling to be tended to, healed, and transcended. Each needs to see that the other is not their mortal enemy, but another injured person. Each needs to develop empathy for the other, and be able to step out of his or her own perspective. As we share our wounds, affirm both ours and our partner's, we are starting a healing process. We are no longer completely alone with our fear.

Is there a place in your relationship where this dynamic occurs, where your wounds collide?

Describe this dynamic in your relationship and the wounds that get activated.

Can you describe your wound?

Can you describe your partners?

Are you willing to and able to talk about this with your partner?

Are you exploring how to heal this wound?


"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/when-wounds-collide/

LOOKING INWARD - MAKING "SENSE" OF OURSELVES

I witness a lot of pain in my work. People don't come to see me because everything in their lives is working. They come to see me because something isn't working, because they are in pain. When I first sit down with someone, I'm looking for the pain. What is happening that is so difficult? What is the source of the grief, anger, worry, fear, despair, guilt, addictions or shame? Why are relationships not working where partners feel betrayed, attacked, unsupported or abandoned? What is keeping this particular person or relationship from peace, harmony and love, from a sense of home, a sense of being enough?

How can I help? Therapy is actually an ongoing and repetitive process. It is the process of learning the language of self, an understanding of who we are, both in a felt sense, as well as our inner story. It is also a process of being attended to by another - in a different way, in a way that allows the brain to rewire, rebuild, rewrite, so that we can experience the world differently and thereby step into a different world.

What went wrong? Many of us can benefit from a new understanding of ourselves. What happened (or did not happen) and continues to occur that keeps us from functioning fully or reaching our potential?

Historically, through repeated experiences with our caretakers, or other significant relationships, our minds have created models, or 'lenses' that affect our view of both others and ourselves. These lenses color our experience. Everything that we have lived and experienced is wired into us. "Our brains are constructed to be directly influenced by their interactions with other brains." (Siegel & Hartzell) For example: lets suppose that you had a father who wasn't very interested in you as a child or teenager. Later in life, if you are ignored, or in a relationship with someone who withdraws, the same feelings of abandonment, desperation, pain or anger can be triggered which you then respond or react to - without knowing where it came from. This is how our past continues to live inside of us and recreates our experiences.

Although we can't change our histories, we can "make sense" of our childhood experiences, positive and negative. We can untangle our wounds, our disconnections, and our defensive ways of relating to others. We can allow this understanding into our ongoing life story, which enables us to change the way we think about those events, and means we can modify their impact on us.

Human beings, among other things, are energetic and evolutionary systems. As both our world and we evolve, we gain new information, new abilities to change our experience and ourselves. For example, a metaphor for this could be as follows. Once upon a time, the people in a village noticed that whenever it rained, the banks of a river flooded and their houses were ruined. They decided to study what was occurring, to see if they could make sense of it and save their houses. Having studied the water patterns, they decided to change the path of the flow - barriers and channels that diverted the water, so that when it rained, the excess water has somewhere else to go. Their houses no longer flooded. They had to understand what was occurring before they could change it. However, we are dealing with emotion, not water. It is the flow of emotions that we get lost in, that flood us, or dry up and leave us disconnected. In therapy we learn how to understand and reprocess our emotions, especially our feelings. There are several elements to this:

* Understanding our 'story' by reflecting on our childhood experiences, the feelings that we had about those experiences and how they are affecting our behavior now. Making sense of our life enables us to understand others and ourselves more fully. This allows us to have more choices in our behaviors and how we interpret and even choose our experiences. This also allows us to know where we stand, where we are vulnerable and is a step towards knowing what we need, deserve and can ask for.

* Noticing what happens to us moment-to-moment. In-the-moment awareness reveals the links between trigger, feeling and behavior. We come to learn why a trigger, (my partner visits his friend instead of spending time with me) causes a feeling (anger/fear), a thought (he doesn't put me first) and a behavior (I scream at him or withdraw). This flow of emotion and energy is set in motion for a reason (perhaps our father never had time for us).

Over time the larger story, and the moment-to-moment narrative interact and we come to understand ourselves more fully.

So often I have someone tell me that they had a "good" childhood. And they believe that they did. But as we talk, something else emerges. Feelings. Feelings that they had pushed away such as shame, embarrassment or hurt. Instead of recognizing these feelings, that person lives in a narrative that it is all "okay". It is like living in an empty shell of an idea, but underneath, there is a lot more going on.

As stories emerge the feelings come into view. This person may not want to know that part of themselves, but if they able to allow it, we can then see how they felt alone, or scared, or upset and how that impacted their sense of self. Until we reprocess our feelings, we don't know who we really are. Sooner or later, a relationship doesn't work, or we find ourselves anxious or depressed. There is a story with feelings connected to the symptoms. The symptoms allow for an opportunity to explore the deeper story, the feelings and moment-to-moment shifts in awareness.

As we de-link the current trigger from the past, we can begin to make sense of why we react so strongly to something that actually may not seem like such a big deal logically. This is also where we can begin to understand what we need, why we are vulnerable, and how having this vulnerability attended to is healing. It is here where we step out from being people whom are shaped strictly by our DNA and experiences, and begin to step into the role of creators of our life experience, and nurturers and healers of those we love as we move forward.

Never before in history have we had this knowledge about the plasticity of the brain, about the impact of our experiences with our caretakers on our sense of self and the creation of our lives, our partner's and children's lives and our world.

Where are you struggling in your life? What have you historically been triggered by? How does it connect to relational issues, especially around nurturing? Write about what you struggle with, and where you think it may come from. Write a story about what it was like to be you at that time, and how that pain is impacting you now.

If you are interested in learning more about the brain and psychological health, MindSight by Daniel J. Siegel, MD is a good read. If you are interested in parenting, Parenting from the inside out by Daniel J. Siegel MD and Mary Hartzell M.Ed is also very good.

"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/looking-inward-making-sense-of-ourselves/

Innovations in Couples Therapy

I recently spent a week at a training workshop for therapists on Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. While I have been working with couples for years, there is always more to learn; I believe that this is the best couples methodology available today. Currently there are new frontiers opening in brain research, child development, and the need for safe secure connections in our primary relationships. These new areas of knowledge impact the practice of psychotherapy, especially around the areas of intimate relationships as well as how we have the power to alter our feelings, perceptions and responses.

What makes a relationship work? It is one of the questions I have been asking and answering in my own life. Because of my own history, developing the ability to have healthy nourishing relationships, to be present, direct and also be vulnerable has been a long and ongoing process. I remember once watching a romantic movie over and over again, gripped with the impending connection, the hope for absolute and complete harmony, for the feeling of truly loving and being loved.

Think about your relationship or what you imagine your relationship will be like. What do you long for? What do you dream about? What are the feelings you are looking for? Connection? Love? Safety?

As babies, we are held, fed, and attended to, and we grow in this context of connection. We continue to need connection throughout our adult lives. We long to be understood, to be cared for and to be loved. We long to know that we are important; that how we feel matters. We long to flow effortlessly between connection and autonomy. But our relationships are not so easy. Distressed couples are so because they do not feel safe connecting. As situations occur that frustrate that need for safe connection, disharmonies arise between us, as do both FEELINGS and behaviors. We develop strategies to not feel our grief, anger, shame and fear. We may cut off our own longing and not feel our need for connection. We may get angry and bitter to keep from feeling the grief that is underneath. These strategies that protect us, also limit our relationships.

As a therapist, I watch how couples interact. I notice how they talk to each other, who moves forward and how, who holds back. How we respond to each other creates a pattern. Noticing the pattern is important, because the pattern itself must be addressed.
This dance we do with each other stirs deep feelings that we act out causing painful cycles of interaction that repeat and repeat.

The other important piece is the feelings themselves. In therapy, we unpack feelings that are below the surface, below the mirage of the laundry that is never put away, or the frustration of a partner who wants to stay home instead of go out. Because we get stuck in the "above ground" issues, we don't understand what is underneath; that we don't feel cared for, loved, respected or understood. Most of us don't fully understand our historical relational wounds and how they impact us. We often don't face our partners and tell them about our hurts and what we need. When we do, they sometimes cannot hear us.

While straightening this out, both the therapist and the partners sometimes get caught in compromise. "If you do this, I will do that," etc. Compromise doesn't deal with the deeper longings for safe connection. It is like rearranging the furniture in a room that is falling down. Changing our relationships involves learning new ways of being, reorganizing our emotions and experience, and understanding ourselves differently EXPERIENTIALLY. As we interact with ourselves and partner differently, we are actually architecting a different brain. It also means that both parties will be emotionally uncomfortable for a while. And that is a big deal. I don't know anybody who says, "Great, I want to be emotionally uncomfortable. I want to feel vulnerable, scared, or in pain." It is inherently uncomfortable to connect with our primary feelings and communicate our vulnerabilities, yet it is an essential part of change. While the old pattern keeps us stuck, emotional responsiveness allows our love to grow. Are you willing to be uncomfortable?

Very briefly, here's what has to happen:
We identify the relationship pattern.
We take responsibility for our part.
We get in touch with our deeper feelings including old wounds affecting our perceptions and needs.
We take responsibility for how our part of the pattern affects our partner's feelings.
We listen to our partner talk about his or her feelings.
We share our own feelings.
We support each other in this process.

Lets suppose we have a couple where one of the partners is closed down and the other is more volatile (this is very common). The closed down person (let's say he) often doesn't really know his feelings. He got away from them a long time ago, as they weren't fun. Maybe as a child, he was criticized or his feelings weren't supported. He suppressed those feeling; packed them away. He tends to be cerebral and logical. He doesn't know how to open up and be vulnerable, and the idea of it is frankly, scary. The volatile partner is more connected to her emotions, but often it is anger that is expressed, not her longing for connection, or her feelings of not wanting to be abandoned, or wanting to be considered more. That partner has learned how to try to assertively get what she wants rather than be open and vulnerable as well as feel and then communicate her pain. What happens when these two get together? When they run into a conflict, he will withdraw, and she will attempt to get what she needs by moving forward, often with some anger. He hides more and she pushes more. They get caught in a cycle. Neither realizes that the cycle is caused by both of them. Both feel like it is the other person's fault. Neither knows how to change the cycle. Neither person feels safe.

The mission of the EFT therapist is to enable both partners to experience their primary feelings and longings, explore, organize, and ultimately communicate them to their partner. This requires the partner who doesn't have good access to his feelings to DEVELOP access to his feelings. It requires the angry partner to stop blaming and see the vulnerability of the more withdrawn partner, and later to also show her own vulnerability and need. When a couple begins to do this, they are responding to, and caring for each other rather than reacting, closing down, blaming or pushing the other away. As each develops in their ability to feel, understand feelings that they were not aware of, and open to the other, they become a stronger couple. They feel safer and more secure. They both change into people who are capable of a nourishing relationship.

If this sounds useful to you, you have some options. These include reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, attend a Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop (I hope to be running one in a few months), or find a therapist using EFT (like me) by going to www.iceeft.com.

"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/innovations-in-couples-therapy-2/

Bringing In The New

It is a new year. Many of us have been reflecting upon the past year, and looking forward to a different time. For many, the past year has felt frustrating, frenetic and filled with limitations. Perhaps we will find more awareness, possibility, and peace in 2010.

The Sanskrit word yoga has many meanings and is derived from the Sanskrit root "yuj," meaning, "to control," "to yoke" or "to unite." It is the word yoke I wish to focus on. In Yoga, we are bound by the pose, by the limitations of our body and consciousness, and consequently learn to focus more deeply while opening our hearts. We follow our breath, focus on our bodies, notice how we are supported, how we are limited, how our musculature and consciousness interact. We learn to be in what is uncomfortable, rather than escape. We learn to witness and breath. Our awareness increases. We become in union.

Both in our lives and relationships, we may find ourselves yoked. We may find ourselves in a situation in which we feel limited. We have the option to focus differently, to increase our awareness so that we may expand while dealing with our limitations, rather than be constricted by them. Perhaps our job is chaotic. Instead of getting caught in the chaos, we may learn to engage with it differently, to witness ourselves, rather than react or push. Similarly, in a relationship our fate is bound with another as long as that relationship continues. What our partner does impacts us, and what we do impacts him or her. Being in a relationship can at times be like a yoga practice. We are in relationship with both possibilities as well as limitations. Events occur that may be uncomfortable or difficult, that we do not have the ability to change, or at least not quickly. At those times, rather than falling into habitual ways of being, we can choose to learn to witness ourselves. We learn to tolerate the discomfort. We have the possibility of developing aspects of ourselves that were not previously developed. Like a master yogi, we become masters of ourselves.

In yoga, our body/mind is not immediately different, more flexible or fully conscious. We do not instantly understand how our muscles work, or how to be in a pose. The changes we make are small and occur over time, though regular practice. As we move into this New Year, perhaps we can look at what we are yoked to. What we must work with, or accept? What can we change? If we cannot change something or someone, what is our most valuable course of action? When we are yoked, we can choose to turn and face our situation. We can pay attention to the sensations and feelings we are experiencing. We learn to be in and explore the discomfort. One of the teachings of some yogic and Buddhist thought is that even though life is often uncomfortable, there is no need to seek a more comfortable position because all positions are temporary. As we leave one, another with it's own challenges will arise.

Wherever you are in your life or relationship, you can view it as the place you are now, rather than the place you are trying to escape. What can you learn? To communicate differently? To not react? To not blame yourself? To get yourself unstuck and leave? What can you learn from focusing on where you are now?

One of goals of psychotherapy is increasing awareness. Gestalt therapy in particular focuses on staying with what is, as an agent to change. Trying to get somewhere else does not give you the insight, tools or awareness necessary to become somebody who is somewhere else. Those insights, tools and awarenesses are developed where you are right now.

For example, lets suppose that Sue and John get in a fight. They can continue to rehash the same fight over and over again in a myriad of manifestations, or they can start to look at the pattern they are caught in. The pattern is the problem. How is it caused? When he gets mad, I get nervous. My heart is pounding, I feel scared. Why? I feel alone. He isn't seeing me. I can't make him be available right now. Find that feeling in your past. I remember feeling this way when I was little and my dad was mad. I was scared then too. So now, how do I try to stop that feeling? What action do I habitually take? I withdraw. I tell myself that nobody understands me. Once the pattern is recognizable, we can start talking about it, understand it, and ultimately address and change it.

As we move though our lives, we may encounter challenging situation after challenging situation. As we work with these challenges, we change. Eventually, because we have mastered some aspect of ourselves - it feels as if those situations are not occurring anymore. We've grown enough that what was once difficult is now inconsequential.

When we are yoked to something or someone, we have the opportunity to work with the situation and with ourselves. Over time, we develop more acceptance, strength, insight and possibility. The old structure and consciousness loosen and something new comes into being. With the change of this calendar year, we can evaluate how we have grown, what we have worked through and released, and where we are still bound.



"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010"

SURRENDER INTO SUPPORT

Originally published 12/09

“The elders have sent me to you today to tell you that NOW is like a great rushing river. And this great rushing river will be experienced in many ways. There are many who try to hold on to the shore; there is no shore. The shore is crumbling. The instructions are: Push off into the middle of the river; keep your head above water; see who else is in the river with you; and celebrate”. --- Choquosh, Native American storyteller

Recently I have been thinking about how much change we are all going through – the tightening of finances for many people, finding ourselves in positions we have never imagined – moving back in with our families, unable to find work, careers becoming obsolete. The world appears to be moving faster and faster, and becoming more and more stressful. Unforeseen events and unfinished business are challenging us. Relationships are falling apart, stresses we don't know how to handle are occurring. Many of us seem to be in the midst of a massive transformation, and we are being forced to search for internal resources, as the external appears to continue to unravel.

Some of us have spent our lives developing our competencies. We learned how to make things happen. We learned how to push and we found our value in this, for it kept us safe. But now pushing is not helping us, it is creating more stress. Not accepting where we find ourselves, we try to push ourselves even harder to a “better” place. The problem is that as we PUSH, we are pushing today’s stress into the future. Instead, as we stand in chaos, uncertainty, fear and discomfort, can we find a way to be in a better place internally, to find a center we do not know?

A phrase that comes up occasionally in my yoga class is "surrender into support.” In these stressful times, how can we cooperate with our fate and "surrender into support"? What do we have to learn to move out of a life of struggle and into a life of ease and grace?

One thing that helps me is becoming aware of my “energy.” I notice when I am feeling happy or carefree. I notice when I am feeling stressed. Why am I happy some moments and not others? What is occurring, what am I telling myself? When I feel happy I feel trusting and safe. I am not worrying about the future, but usually am immersed in the present. When I am stressed I often am giving myself negative messages such as, "I have to hurry", "I have too much to do", "this will never work out", or "I'm not safe.” Notice how you feel as you read these phrases. You’re probably tensing up. Sometimes as we become aware of our own messages, we can shift them. We can decide to be different. Other times they are attached to deeper wounds that require unraveling. Do you know what you get stuck in, what makes you feel insecure or triggers internal messages that harm you?

If you are working on a relationship or in a dilemma, ask yourself these questions. For example:

* What is triggering me? - I lost my job, or she is mad at me.
* What happens in my body? - I tense up, or I check out.
* What does my mind say? - I have to make this happen, or it’s all my fault.
* How do I respond? - I worry, or I start explaining and defending myself.

Take a minute and think about one of your struggles. Dissect it with the above questions. Identify the underlying fears. When we are afraid; we get stressed; we lose perspective.

To surrender into support, step back and see the bigger picture. When we step back, we are not so caught in the moment and we have more perspective. Our lives involve traveling through different chapters and conditions. We are bigger than the current landscape of our lives. Perhaps as our lives are being dismantled to the foundation, we can rebuild ourselves differently. We can let go of the shore of the river, and find a way to celebrate.

"Copyright 2009 Jennifer Lehr" Originally published at http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/surrender-into-support/

HOW TO CREATE A LOVING RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN SUSTAIN - INTRODUCTION

Originally published 11/09


Once upon a time there was a princess. She dreamed of her prince charming. She waited and waited. One day, he finally arrived on his white horse. They fell in love and rode off into the sunset, and lived happily ever after. This is pretty much the romantic myth we have grown up with. Trouble is, it isn’t that simple. What if instead we were taught that in order to find “the one” we must first look at our own flawed, inaccurate or immature ways of being in our relationships with others? What if we learn to create relationships that work, and trust that as we grow, our relationships will also change and improve? Imagine how that shift in attitude would affect our relationships.

• What if each partner has enough self-development, self-knowledge and relationship knowledge that they can provide consistent guidance, support and nurturing for their partner?
• What if we learn to help heal our partners and ourselves?
• What if when one of us falls apart or loses perspective, the other can hold the space for him or her without receiving much in return, until the partner recovers?
• What if in doing all of this, we become a community of people who support and help each other instead of inflict wounds on each other?

These are important questions, for they point to levels of self-development and skill that all of us need. We need to be solid ourselves before we are capable of being in a truly fulfilling and sustainable relationship.

What does a “relationship ready” person look like? Briefly:

1. We have an internal sense of safety. We trust ourselves and others trust us. We are competent in terms of survival issues as well as feel emotionally safe. We take care of ourselves. We see the world in terms of abundance rather than scarcity. Because we trust ourselves, we feel safe and we can enjoy and play in our relationships. We are able to be on the same team with others.

2. We are accountable and take responsibility for ourselves. We are unafraid to look at ourselves, to see our part in whatever is occurring. Our imperfections are not something we are ashamed of, but an expression of our humanness and a part of our path. We know that as our imperfections arise, they guide us to the next task.

3. We are self-empowered enough to respect ourselves as well as our partner. In our relationships we are able to tolerate our differences. Sometimes this means we compromise or shift our position. Sometimes it means we stand firm and do not give in.

4. We recognize love as the guiding principle in our relationships. We open our hearts to take in our partner’s vulnerabilities. We have empathy as well as are able to be vulnerable ourselves. Our hearts connect through our vulnerabilities and we choose to behave in a loving manner. Because we can be vulnerability and have empathy for the other, we are able to forgive rather than resent.

5. We communicate honestly even if it feels risky, because we know that love is a fantasy if we don’t actually share our true selves. We have the ability to listen. We want to hear the other’s stories and tell them ours, because we want to know each other.

6. We have emotional intelligence; we strive to understand ourselves. We know what our feelings are and why we are having them. We are able to manage our feelings. We use our self-understanding to make our relationship work and our feelings assist us, rather than wreak havoc on our relationship.

7. We understand what our relationship is asking of us, and its purpose. We see the bigger picture. We are willing to stretch because we know that a fulfilling relationship will require us to grow. We know that learning to love means becoming whole.

Tall order? Yup. Possible? Yup.

Take your pick: you can work on growing and becoming more “relational” while you wait for the right relationship, or you can just wait.

Now that we’ve mapped out the “what” lets look more closely at each of these needs and the “how” of getting there. Sign up for the next 7 parts (free) on my website.

"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2009"

HOW PAST TRAUMA IMPACTS CURRENT RELATIONSHIPS

Originally published 10/09

“The more quickly either person goes from disappointment or hurt to anger, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal and remains stuck there, the less that person is capable of having a relationship and the more the other person will have to walk on eggshells”. Mark Goulston

Why do some people have relationships that work and other’s don’t? One reason is past trauma that is affecting the emotional safety of the relationship. Most of us don’t know what a “traumatized state of mind” is, but we do know when our world gets dark. We know when we feel as if we’ve been attacked or not considered by another. We know when we are so hurt we can’t talk, or we can only scream or react.

There are two things to consider here: one is actual trauma caused by another, such as being raped, hit, yelled at, picked on, etc., and the other is a “traumatized state of mind”, which is when one is experiencing intense disconnect or anger out of proportion to what is actually occurring. In this newsletter, we are looking at the traumatized state of mind, not actual abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, get help or get out.

Without going into what actually occurs in the mind/body during trauma, there are degrees of trauma, all of which causes disconnection. In moments of trauma, we don’t have external support. We are thrown back on ourselves. We are alone, no longer part of a matrix of connection and love. Later in life, various events can trigger that experience and those feelings. Whether it is a voice inside saying, “How could you treat me like that?” to a rage or withdrawal that you can’t get yourself out of, we find ourselves alone again. What we do with that experience varies. Some of us fight to be seen, to make it right, while others pull back and hide, or abuse substances. But while doing so we are not making a choice. We are reacting. Whatever the case, there has just been a disruption in our relationship.

When we move into and experience a traumatized state of mind, we lose perspective. Complexity collapses. The world becomes black and white, good and bad. We can no longer communicate rationally because we are no longer rational. Our world has fractured. From where we are, it appears that the other person has betrayed us. We are hurt and not thinking clearly. It is from this place that damage is done to our relationships. We are no longer capable of communicating rationally, and maybe not even treating the other person fairly. We are no longer in command of ourselves.

Changing this dynamic in a relationship requires a number of things:

* Seeing and taking responsibility for your own behavior and the damage you’ve caused your relationship.

* Learning to deal with hurts and disappointments differently.

* Seeing the relationship as a place to build a bridge between differences, not as a place with rights and wrongs.

* Understanding our past wounds so we can heal them.

* Sharing our wounds with our partner, our wounds are part of the relationship.

It’s up to us to master ourselves. We can change ourselves if we choose to, but to do so, we need to become aware of how we lose ourselves “under the influence” of our past emotional trauma. Only then we can be fully present for the other and be in a truly functioning relationship.

“Copyright 2009 Jennifer Lehr” Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/how-past-trauma-impacts-current-relationships/

WHAT IF I DECIDED THAT MY LIFE IS MY FRIEND?

Originally published 9/09

As I watch people struggle in their lives (and because it is not my life I often have more perspective then they do), I sometimes see what they need to let go of. Maybe they are getting sick because it is the only way they can begin to relate to their body with real love. Maybe they have put something external ahead of their integrity or health. Whatever the case, they have had to live through various difficult events, which through their suffering eventually caused them to see how they were trading some valuable part of themselves in for something external and therefore not authentic.

Recently I found myself feeling overwhelmed. I was in the middle of juggling some big changes in my life, and had lost my perspective. I found myself trying to push through the current and challenging chapter of my life, so I could move into what was next, which in my imagination, could only be better. My pushing was a form of control. I was trying to make my life something it wasn’t, instead of recognizing and being in what it actually was. As I came to realize that I had little control over the events that were occurring around me, I knew I was stuck. Although I was aware of the feelings being triggered and how they related to my past, I was unable to find another way to see things and move into a more empowered position on my own. I took the issue to my therapist and got the help I needed. She gave me a different way of looking at what was occurring, and helped me see what I was trying to learn, what my life was trying to teach me. Because of this, I became able to make different choices in how I perceived what was happening and in how I was relating to the events in my life. I saw how I needed to let go of the external as a way of evaluating myself, and focus on my internal worth. I started to let go of the struggle that I was in.

I began to say to myself:

Although I do not feel safe and am uncomfortable, I am safe.

I am trying to control the uncontrollable. I refuse to do that and ruin my day.

How I use my energy in this moment is more important than where I think I am headed.

I will not misuse my energy (get tense, hopeless etc) because it will only perpetuate that.

I choose joy, grace and dignity, because I can.

I will not allow external circumstances to dictate my mood or how I use my energy.

I was shifting. Plenty of things were still not going the way I wanted them to, but I was no longer allowing that to derail me. Instead, I was feeling better, more empowered, more accepting of the imperfection that life is.

As I engaged in this process of transforming myself, I began to ask, “What about me”? “What is life whispering in my ear?” “What is my life trying to teach me?” I started to see how important it is for me to trust my life. I get to choose the lens I look through. What if I decided that my life is my friend? What if I choose to see that absolutely everything that occurs in my life is purposeful and designed to help me evolve? I knew that only way I could become who I most want to be: joyous, grateful, trusting, was by deciding that absolutely everything that is happening to me, everything in my life, is in support of my growth.

Because I want to trust my life, I choose to. Not once, but over and over as challenges arise and throw me into doubt for a moment or an hour or a day. I tell myself: I trust my life. My life is my friend. The events in my life are occurring to assist me in my growth and evolution. I seek out ways to see what it is that my life is trying to tell me, so that I can cooperate with it, rather than fight against it.

Copyright 2009 Jennifer Lehr Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/what-if-i-decided-that-my-life-was-my-friend/

WHEN LOVE STOPS WORKING - GETTING IT GOING AGAIN

Originally published 7/09

Almost everyone wants love in his or her life. It is a vital ingredient of our humanness. We are born through the bodies of our mothers, most likely have nursed on her breasts, were held, touched and attended to. We develop in connection to others. Our survival depends on our relationships. We are not designed to be without relationship. We cannot exist without them.

When relationships stop working, there is often a wound that needs to be attended to. Many of us grew up in homes with various kinds of disconnection occurring. Whether our caretakers were preoccupied, angry, needy or impatient, we may at times have felt uncared about. We may have lost someone we loved, or have been completely disregarded or abused. As children, we had to survive this pain. We may have learned to push our feelings out of our awareness. Ultimately, we developed ways to tolerate and survive these disconnects. These are the survival techniques that we have brought into our current relationships. And they often don’t work.

Connection and safety are intricately bound. Our relationships trigger primal survival needs and feelings, and when threatened, the primal fears of an infant emerge. Survival is at the root of our relationships. It is difficult to play or be vulnerable when you do not feel safe. When our relationships are threatened or we are insecure, we become afraid of abandonment or of being overwhelmed or trapped. Those feelings emerge as rage, fear, longing and grief, and cause us to react rather than respond reasonably. We often do not see where these feelings are coming from. We have no way to link them to an actual past events. All we know is that something feels awful and we are in a struggle to be seen, heard, and understood. The emotional dance that emerges is not logical, but born of deep longings for safety and connection. Feeling safe, asking for what we need and being responsive to the other is paramount to our health and happiness. Safety must exist for both intimacy and play to be present in a committed relationship. While we do not necessarily have to delve into the past to change things, it usually helps. And we do have to start looking at and improving our current relational skills.

* Do you accept too little in a relationship ? – If you accept too little, it is time to decide that you deserve more and figure out what is stopping you. v Are you too demanding? – If it always has to be your way, you will need to trust you can get enough of what you need without misusing your power. The cost of powering your way through a relationship is too high.

* Can you ask for what you need? – Do you believe that you have impact, that you are worth listening to and being responded to? Why not?

* What are the ways that you disconnect? – Are you willing to re-engage?

* Do you feel safe and loved in your relationship, safe enough to both be vulnerable and to play? – What do you need to help you feel safer and more connected?

* Are you responsive to your partner? – This will help your partner feel safe with you.


We are imperfect beings, who love and are loved by other imperfect beings. While disagreements and differences are part of life and growth, conflict can make us feel vulnerable and react to these differences. Deep down, we are afraid of losing or not getting what we need, of not being loved. Are you secure enough to have your feelings, yet also listen to your partner’s feelings, without making them wrong? Sustaining a connected relationship (with the right person) requires a number of skills. Mostly, we have to be solid enough to tolerate differences and still stay in responsive and loving contact even when we are uncomfortable.

Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2009 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/when-love-stops-working-getting-it-going-again/

BECOMING A PLAYFUL SPIRIT

Originally published 6/09

Have you ever watched a child play? They have fun and explore within the context of what they know. Before they can walk, they play sitting. With each developmental step, the range of their play increases. As adults, we have the ability to play in bigger and bigger ways. But sometimes we don’t. Instead, sometimes we get bogged down.

We all have areas of life where we get bogged down in fear, frustration and pain. The world turns dark and we lose perspective or hope. Anxiety and worry pollute our psyches and peace of mind. We wish to have fun, to be light, to feel joy; but how can you feel joy, confidence, exuberance, lightheartedness, if you are feeling fear, anxiety or worry? You can’t. If heaven is a state of being, how can we tip the scales in the direction of joy?

Start to know your triggers. For instance, you can get triggered by people who remind you of a parent, a former boss, a former friend. Some triggers are from past events that were traumatic. Some triggers are around challenges that we do not know if we can overcome. I know there are situations that trigger me. Confronted with one of these situations, I can feel a truckload of yucky feelings creeping up on me. One minute I am fine, and the next, it feels as if a cavern has opened and swallowed me up. Feeling trapped and desperate, my body tightens and my mind starts spinning thoughts of doom and destruction.

I am coming to know the landscape of my inner world, to see the pitfalls even before I am fully in them. I am learning to tell myself to stop and find another way to look at things. I can ask for help. I can let go of having things go the way I think I need them to. And if I do fall in, I can be kind to myself. I can forgive myself. After all, I am not torturing myself (or my partner) on purpose.

What are you afraid of? Do you know what your biggest fear is, and how it is impacting your life? How it gets triggered? Some fears include:

Not feeling loved or not feeling deserving of love
Not being able to be yourself
Being in danger or overwhelmed
Feeling trapped
Hurting someone or being hurt or abandoned
Not having enough
Not being enough

What do you do with your fears? Do you react or get possessive? Do you attempt to bully or control? Do you worry, run away, isolate, or imagine horrendous futures? None of the above will improve the quality of your life.

Sometimes a fear comes up in the context of relationships. Wanting to feel safe, we attempt to control events and people, partners and children. Rather than creating the safety we are seeking, this usually makes the other person feel trapped, resentful, fearful, or in some way compromised. It becomes a misuse of our energy. Safety comes through being in life as it is, and being willing to experience loss, grief, joy, or whatever is occurring. And trusting that we can and will handle whatever happens.

How do you not act out of fear? By taking a stand. You can have a fear, but it does not have to dictate who you are and how you behave. Taking a stand is a position that you hold no matter what is occurring in your life. It is a choice to find another way. Maybe we change our internal statement from “I’m never going to make this happen,” to “I choose not to take this situation personally,” or “I’m going to make the best of this situation”.

We get to decide who we want to be. Even if we get reactive in the moment, we can choose to develop the ability to control our responses over time. Like training for a marathon, practicing for a speech, or learning a musical instrument, we teach ourselves to step up to that which we wish to accomplish. These positions become a guiding force in our lives. When we say:

“I will live a life free from fear or worry”
“I will make each day as fun as I can”
“I will not worry over things I have no control over”
“I will find meaning and purpose in everything that occurs in my life”

and start to take actions to support these positions; we become a positive force in our own lives.

Once you decide what attitudes you want to carry, and take a stand in terms of what you want your life to be about or not be about, you can begin to witness moment-by-moment what you are doing, and how you are creating your own experience. You can begin to play with life more and fight with it less. If you are playing a song on a violin, you have to both learn how to play the notes, and discover what sounds beautiful to you. You have to develop knowledge and skill of that particular instrument if you are going to be able to play with it. Have you ever heard a musician in training ‘fight’ his violin rather than play it? If you do not learn enough about yourself to play, how do you think your song will sound?

Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2009 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/becoming-a-playful-spirit/

HOW TO STOP THOSE REPETITIVE FIGHTS

Originally published 5/09

George had been very upset about the actions of an ex friend. Susan could feel his pain and asked him if there was anything that she could do to make him feel better. George replied, “I could think of something”. Susan retorted, “I wasn’t talking about sex”. George responded, “So what’s new?” Susan feeling criticized, said, “you don’t care about me, all you care about is sex”. George responded back, “well you asked, next time don’t ask if you don’t care”. “Don’t worry, I won’t, Susan snarled. She walked away and they didn’t talk till the next day.

The interaction that Susan and George had was a familiar and repetitive one. They had started out okay, but somehow both misunderstood the other and ended up in a fight.

Lets replay this, except George and Susan are more conscious about their wounds. Instead of fighting, they are going to get closer and build more trust between them.

George had been very upset about the actions of an ex friend. Susan could feel his pain and asked him if there was anything that she could do to make him feel better. George replied, “I could think of something,” He was thinking about sex. Susan immediately thought to herself of “He’s upset and angry, I don’t want to have sex with somebody who is angry”. She was silent for a minute, trying to figure out what to do. A few minutes later, George said, “that would have been the perfect opportunity for you to have initiated sex, which you never do. ” He was frustrated and disappointed. Susan could feel his anger. She felt hurt and she felt like he was taking the anger that he was feeling about his ex-friends and dumping it on her. They were looking at each other, as it was clear something serious was occurring between them. Susan mustered up her courage and responded, “I just initiated last night”. George got still for a moment and realized that she had. He responded by saying, “yes you are right, you did. They continued to talk.
Susan “remembered” and recounted that she had grown up in a family where she had to take care of other’s needs at her own expense. “Nobody was really interested in what I needed,” she said. ,”And when you wanted to make me to make you feel without considering how I felt, I got hurt. I am afraid to be vulnerable when somebody is angry and for me, having sex is being vulnerable. George responded, “when you didn’t move forward and make it all okay, my disappointment about always being let down came up. So many times in my childhood and other relationships, I’ve been let down. I just wanted you to make me feel better and it felt like you were failing me too.

Both George and Susan had been feeling unloved and not understood. But as they talked, they began to piece together the old stories feeding their reactions. They were able to talk it out and avoided a fight. They helped the other heal by listening and empathizing. And they both became more conscious of who they were and were gaining the ability to not allow the past to haunt them.

But how do we do this?

When we get reactive or triggered, it means we’ve opened an old can of worms. Think of each worm as an old story that is a wound around which we have unhappy feelings. These feelings lurk below the surface, ready to come up under the right circumstances. Rather than being in touch with our present reality, we relive old stories. Some of those stories make us angry, some make us sad. These stories can be like gasoline on a fire. They are lenses through which we view our lives and they distort our perceptions. We disproportionately and quickly escalate our emotional responses to what appear to be very inconsequential events. These stories need to be recognized as old wounds and told, both to each other and to ourselves, if we are going to be able to stop these repetitive patterns.

There are several tools to help us remember that we are caught up in a wound and repair it:

* The 90/10 rule. If we are upset, often it is 10% about the present situation and 90% about the past.

* Telling our story to our partner is building a relational bridge. Reacting as if we are right is blowing up the relational bridge. Remember, your partner is your friend. Treat him or her as if he or she is, and talk, don’t react or accuse.

* Find the sadness, loss or grief that is under the anger. It is hard to build a bridge when you are yelling and screaming, or withdrawing.

* To have a successful relationship, you have to be a person who can have a successful relationship. Become a person who is communicative and open. This is more important than trying to get your partner to change. If they don’t change, the relationship may end, but your power lies in you, not them.

* Accept that what is happening in the present moment demands your love and attention. The present moment is your friend. It is an opportunity to discover your emotional wounds and the wounds of your partner. It is an opportunity to start unraveling the old stories and stepping out of being driven by old wounds.

* Remember, we all have wounds. A relationship is an opportunity to repair these wounds. A relationship is a journey that allows us to create “home” both within ourselves and with another.


Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2009 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/how-to-stop-those-repetitive-fights/

INTIMACY (INTO-ME-SEE): INVITE YOUR PARTNER FOR A VISIT INTO YOUR WORLD

Originally published 4/09

Most of us want to feel connected, loved and safe in a relationship, but building a relationship that works requires a number of abilities. Building a relationship requires building trust. It requires an attitude of kindness and curiosity towards our partner. It requires looking at our relationship as an adventure, rather than a problem or chore. And it requires being vulnerable - sharing who we are with our partner.

We often want to be listened to by our partners, but can we also listen to them? One thing that makes therapy beneficial is that the therapist is professionally trained not only in psychology, but also in listening. As we are listened to, and validated, we feel affirmed and understood. For example, if my partner says to me, “it really hurt me when you made plans without asking me how I felt about them.” If I respond by arguing and saying, “I thought you were busy,” etc., it could escalate into an argument. What if instead I said, “It really hurt your feelings when I made plans without considering what you might want. Do you want to tell me more?”

In relationships, each person lives in a different world. We will never live in the same world; never have the same past, the exact same experience or way of understanding our lives. We have different wounds and different sensitivities. When we are listened to, we feel less alone. We crave to be listened to without argument or interruption, to simply be heard. One of the things that make a relationship work is when we can listen to our partner, and conversely, know our partner will listen to us.

When we cross the bridge into our partner’s world, we leave our own opinions and self-protection behind. Instead, we bring in curiosity and caring. As we do this, we increase safety in the relationship. The other becomes safe to expose themselves to us. But to do this requires maturity. Listening and understanding without putting in our own two cents is a skill. It is not always easy to listen to the other. With every word they say, we may want to respond, to defend, or to disagree. Crossing the bridge into the world of our partner is problematic if we are reactive. It is hard to listen to another and hold back our disagreements if we are afraid we will be overpowered or lose ourselves by not speaking. It is important to trust that we don’t have to share our own opinions and counter every thing we do not agree with. It is also important to know that our partner will listen to us without argument.

Listening does not mean we agree. It does not mean we give up our own desires and needs. It just means that we listen and validate that we understand. It means we want to understand our partner’s world, even if it is not our world, even if it may cause us pain, even if we want them to change.

What is too hard for you to listen to? Why? Places we cannot listen indicate areas of deep pain. It might be that your partner has a need that makes you feel unimportant or abandoned. Can you listen anyway? What is your partner unable to hear about you? How would you feel if your partner could listen? Is there an imbalance? Does one partner always listen and the other always explain? If so, these roles will need to be switched.

I encourage you to open up the space to listen to each other in your relationship. If you find that either you or your partner is not able to fully listen without countering or arguing, get help. A relationship cannot truly have intimacy if each partner does not feel safe to share his or her feelings. Imago workshops teach people in relationships to build intimacy by listening. Therapy can also teach people to listen to each other.

Copyright jennifer lehr, 2009 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/intimacy-into-me-see-invite-your-partner-for-a-visit-into-your-world/

ANATOMY OF AN EMOTIONAL VICTIM: CHANGING VICTIM CONSCIOUSNESS TO SELF-EMPOWERMENT

Originally published 3/09

Sue and her husband Dave were talking in the morning before leaving for work. Dave mentioned that he had made dinner plans with a friend later that week. Sue immediately bristled. “You never make plans with me, everyone else is always first”, she hissed. Dave sighed. “Here we go again,” he thought to himself. He tried to reason with his wife, but she was already upset and angry. Dave got quiet and pulled back rather than get into a fight. Sue got angrier as she felt more and more abandoned. Dave said that he had to go and left for work. Later that evening when they were both home, there was a chill in the air. Neither of them brought up the morning’s fight. Eventually things went back to normal again, and although the dinner with the friend came and went, this dynamic between them would come up over and over again, causing distrust, resentment and fear, and over time eroding the bond between them.

Victim hood is a self-concept, a way of seeing ourselves. It is not the same as being a victim of real circumstances such as a natural disaster or a crime. We all know people who are emotional victims. Emotional victims look at the world through a lens of past injustices without seeing the link in all of the situations: themselves. It just happened to them; life treats them badly. “You can’t trust a man” rather than “I’ve never been able to pick a trustworthy man”. Because they believe that they are not responsible for what is happening in their lives, they feel entitled to act inappropriately towards the perceived offender. Some people create victim roles for themselves. Other people are pulled into a victim role by being in a dysfunctional relationship. We’ve all had times when we’ve engaged with somebody who reacted on occasion as an emotional victim, or felt that way ourselves. Moving from being an emotional victim to self-empowerment involves looking at, and taking responsibility for, our own patterns in relationships, or circumstances.

What is the payback of not taking responsibility for oneself? Why would someone ever rationalize and embrace their disempowerment? The reason is that being an emotional victim allows an avoidance of painful feelings such as shame. Often emotional victims have had difficult childhoods and are sensitized to feeling criticized, wronged, or “bad”. They easily feel unimportant or mistreated. Nobody wants to feel as if they are “bad”, unimportant or mistreated. Deep down, there is a little child in them that really does believe that they are bad, or that others don’t care about them. Emotional victims develop a habit of “explaining” why events happen to them, rather looking at their own role in the events of their lives. In avoiding their imaginary “badness” and the feelings associated with it, they are not able to be honest with themselves about the responsibility they have for their lives and the wrong they actually inflict upon others. They are caught up in believing that people are bad, rather than knowing that it is the behavior that is bad, not the person. Driven by an underlying and often unconscious fear of being wrong, they blame others for their problems and defend themselves as guiltless and innocent at all costs. As a result, emotional victims take little responsibility for their own behavior and the events in their lives.

The cost of being an emotional victim is high. It is painful to feel powerless over the events of one’s life and to feel continually wronged. The ensuing despair and anger is also painful, as well as the strained relationships that result. The price is relationships that do not function well, where the other person walks on eggshells and does not open up to vulnerability and intimacy.

Do you have a relationship with somebody who does not take responsibility for his or her own behavior? How is this impacting you? What “survival” techniques have you developed? It might be time to change them.

Are there ways that you do not take responsibility for yourself? What feelings might you be trying to avoid? Can you allow yourself to be imperfect, make mistakes and apologize? Can you acknowledge that each of us has an enormous amount of power to change our lives and that looking at ourselves is the first step?

copyright Jennifer lehr 2009 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/anatomy-of-an-emotional-victim-changing-victim-consciousness-to-self-empowerment/

BECOMING PSYCHOLOGICALLY HEALTHY

Originally published 2/09

We sometimes believe that if we are "good" people, good things will happen to us. This is not entirely true. While some people are intrinsically better at certain skills such as making money, having relationships that work, or making art than others, it has nothing to do with their inherent worth. Instead, it has to do with innate ability, effort, intent and which talents we chose to develop.

Lets look at making money first. I know a wonderful social worker. He is a kind person and helps many children. He may never make more than his social worker salary, which although adequate, is not a lot of money. The money he makes is dictated by his career choice. Perhaps he will someday write a book or lecture and increase his ability to make money, but this is not predicated by his being a good person, but by the skills he chooses to develop that are moneymaking skills.

The same is true for psychological health. Most people I know who are now psychologically healthy, were at some point in their lives in a compromised emotional and psychological position. They chose to take responsibility for their self-limiting behaviors and beliefs or past damage (even if it was not their fault) and develop new ways of being. They chose to seek help and do the work of altering how they engaged with the world. They were "good" people before they did this, but they were not healthy. They had old wounds that had not fully healed. They may have been overly reactive, or let people mistreat them. They may have mistreated their loved ones, or have been anxious or depressed.

Although we have to play the hand we were dealt and come to grips with our talents and our deficiencies, we can chose to develop skills and awareness that will enable us to create the life we want. If we want to be joyful, and free of depression and anxiety, if we want functioning relationships with others and ourselves, we may need to look at how we create ourselves historically and currently. As we become more self-aware, we can start to change who we are, how we see ourselves and show up in the world.

To give a quick example: a common issue I notice in working with people is how hard they are on themselves. How a person talks to him or herself is often very negative. When something difficult happens to them, their inner dialogue goes something like this. "You are so stupid" or "Why'd you do that?" These inner voices may come from trauma or the past, or from how somebody else treated us.

It is impossible to live a life of joy and ease if your inner dialogue is negative rather than self-supportive. These voices can be changed and this change is a choice. Instead say to yourself "It will be okay", "That was really hard", or "I need to be gentle with myself". Positive self-talk is a step to becoming healthier and happier. It is your choice to develop skills and tools to improve your life, rather than hold onto the illusion that things will be okay because you are a good person. We are valuable whether or not we have good psychological skills, but these skills enable us to change our lives.

copyright jennifer lehr 2009 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/becoming-psychologically-healthy/

MAKING LOVE LAST

Originally published 1/09

are (often through therapy) of that story and its impact on his romantic choices, he can change his story to one that serves him better. The importance of self-reflection becomes clear. It allows us to understand our role in repetitive self-defeating choice patterns in our romantic relationships.

Relationship patterns also are influenced by our fears around connection and safety. We live in bodily and emotional connection to others. We are born through wombs and are nourished at breasts as infants. We experience love through emotional connection and touch. When our attachment needs are threatened, we move into fear and behaviors which attempt to help us to maintain safety and connection. Many of these behaviors however, sabotage the very connection we seek.

Instead of responding out of fear, we can look at our actions. Are we building bridges, or burning them? Are we caught in loops of behavior that we cannot control? Love cannot flourish when we behave in ways that break connection. Being disappointed with our partner is not the problem; it is the dialogue we have, both with our partner and ourselves that matters. The choices of behaving and thinking that we learn to make in the context of our pain and disappointment can allow us to create a satisfying love.

Making love last also requires curiosity, both about our own reactions and the reactions of our partner. Love cannot flourish if we blame, criticize, or do not take responsibility for our own responses. Love cannot flourish when we do not allow ourselves to be vulnerable or behave in a way that the other cannot be vulnerable with us. Because of this, habitual patterns of behavior that create safety and routine, but reduce risk and openness, while necessary for aspects of our lives and our relationships, can diminish connection.

A relationship is a living breathing entity created by two individuals. Creating a relationship is a commitment to the process of that relationship, thus it must continually be nourished. Nourishing a relationship requires the courage to take risks, to be vulnerable and curious rather than defensive. It includes the ability to tolerate and share uncomfortable feelings and experience ambiguity. Making love last includes a willingness to witness oneself and one’s partner with both compassion and openness.


copyright jennifer lehr 2009 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/making-love-last/

EMOTIONAL COURAGE

Originally published 12/08

How do we change the direction of our lives? Despite our histories, why do some people create fulfilling lives for themselves while others do not? As a therapist, and as a person who has made her life about self-transformation and then later, the transformation of others, this is easy to see. But for many people, especially those who do not know much about “therapy,” and the process it entails, this is more of a mystery.

Have you ever said to yourself, “I will do whatever it takes to reach my full potential in this lifetime – no matter what”? This statement to ourselves, to our god, to the universe, is powerful and can open us up to change. There are several main ingredients in change: a desire to improve one’s sense of well-being, and a willingness to do whatever it takes. These qualities could be put together and called emotional courage.

Emotional courage means we are willing to connect to all aspects of ourselves, including old, scary and painful experiences, and feel whatever comes up, rather than cutting ourselves off to avoid pain, shame, grief, and sadness. Emotional courage means we will leave our comfort zone if it enlarges our lives, rather than live in a smaller but seemingly safer world. It means that we can have the courage to suffer if it enables us to grow and live a bigger life.

While there is much to be said for being kind to ourselves, to not always be pushing, when we avoid that which is challenging or enlarging, we keep ourselves from growing new muscle, developing new talents and abilities. Doing what is easiest is often a way of avoiding what is hard.

In therapy, we often have to remember old experiences that hurt us. We often have to sit in those re-activated feelings of shame or pain. We are taught to allow ourselves to let go of control and be disoriented. We come to know that we can survive this process and that in doing so we are opening bridges between different parts of ourselves. We have to trust that ultimately this is courageous and allows us to become stronger. We can be in contact with all we have lived with. We can look back and say, “gee that was really hard”, rather than dismiss it and say, “I had a great childhood”, or “I don’t want to wallow in the past”. Nobody had a perfect childhood, and we all have created ways of surviving. Some of those ways no longer work.

For example, Jane often attacked her partner George angrily when she felt uncared for. She wanted to stop this pattern and began to look at why she got so upset by things he would do that felt neglectful. As this pattern was explored, it became clear that as a child, her parents did not consider Jane’s needs and desires. Now, whenever George didn’t specifically consider her, she went into a rage. As Jane began to delve into her reactions (which were always much bigger than the situation at hand), she began to experience the pain that she lived through as a child, the feelings of unworthiness, the hurt, the loneliness, and the anger. She was able to start to communicate what was getting triggered in her, instead of attacking, and due to her courage both in delving into the pain of the past, and communicating her vulnerability openly, Jane began to rebuild her relationship.

Do you find yourself avoiding situations that trigger uncomfortable feelings? How is this holding you back? What might happen if you take the leap and trust that facing your fears will ultimately empower you? Will you speak up honestly? Will you stand in your vulnerability rather than be self-protective? Will you trust that you can survive feelings of shame or embarrassment? These choices become skills and abilities that allow us to create healthier lives and relationships.

copyright jennifer lehr 2008 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/emotional-courage/

GETTING UNSTUCK

Originally published 11/08

Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a painful or unsatisfying situation: it could be a relationship, a job, a pattern of behavior, or something else. Maybe I am in love with somebody who is not available, or abusive, but I feel that I need them and I cannot leave. Maybe I am stuck in a difficult job, but am afraid to disappoint the people I work for, or that I cannot find another job. Whatever the situation, rather than judge myself, I can accept that I do not have the ability to change the situation at this time. If I judge myself, I am simply putting myself down, and not giving myself the support and empathy that I really need. What if instead we could say to ourselves, "I am valuable regardless of the circumstances I find myself in, regardless of my flaws. Because of my past, an inherent weakness, or even social conditions, I am where I am. I can claim this situation as an opportunity for growth because I can use it to face aspects of myself that I need to change so that I can change my life."

There are a variety of techniques to help us get unstuck. They include:

1. Understanding what we can and cannot control. Something similar to the serenity prayer can help: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. It is important to identify what we do and do not have control over, where to place our energy and how to proceed.

2. Imagine your self as a very old person who has already lived through this dilemma. Ask him or her, "What do you have to tell me?" "How can you assist me?" Usually an answer will come back that helps. It might be something like; "Your life is about engaging with many different experiences. Use this experience to learn what you want to change about yourself, to engage with the parts of yourself that are sabotaging you, and to help you start to make changes."

3. Holding a perspective of how we change such as the 12-step slogan: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. First you must be aware of the problem. Then you must accept that it is real, and only then you can start to change it.

4. Tracking your moment-to-moment awareness and how you shift into different states of being. Maybe one minute you feel okay and not the next. Or maybe you push things away that you need to face. Notice what messages you are telling yourself and how these impact your actions and states of being. As we learn to notice in a moment-to-moment way how we get from one state of being to another, we can begin to intervene. This is often easier to accomplish if you are working with another person who can help you, but can also be done alone through introspection or journaling.

Is there a situation in your life that you are struggling with and judging yourself for? Is your self-judgment helping you? Probably not. Are you afraid that if you do not judge yourself that you will stay stuck? Are you able to tell yourself that you are worthy of self-love no matter what is occurring in your life? Are you willing to find ways to get help so that you can get unstuck?

copyright jennifer lehr 2008 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/getting-unstuck/

SAFETY & REACTIVITY IN RELATIONSHIPS

Originally published 10/08

How many times have we begun a relationship, full of hope, only to have it crash and burn, or one party flee?

Many of us have relational injuries from the past. This often manifests as a "fear of intimacy." Beneath this phrase, lurks not feeling safe in relationships. Our fathers may have had tempers, or our mothers may have been intrusive. A past partner may have been abusive, or perhaps their neediness or jealousy was a burden. A multitude of possibilities exist. Whatever the case, we found that relating to another could be costly. We learned to defend ourselves, to shut down, cover up, disappear, attack, or protect ourselves in some other way. We learned to not be too vulnerable, to only let the other in so far, or to run if we got scared. We learned to make ourselves safe by controlling the depth of the relationship in a variety of ways.

Often when we get scared, we react, we become irrational, we move into our limbic brain and rather than being rational, we respond from fight or flight. Some of us have trauma that is extensive enough that we move into dissociative states, fragments of ourselves that look like Dr. Jeckle changing into Mr. Hyde. Irrationality is scary to the other and a major problem in relationships. It can trigger a variety of defensive postures including early abandonment of a promising relationship. Anger, irrationality, and mood swings directed at the other almost always create a feeling of not being safe with that person.

Interactions with an intimate other ultimately trigger our deepest wounds, our attachment needs, feelings of vulnerability, and our need for safety. Anything unhealed is bound to get touched and come up. These wounds can vary from feeling judged, to not important, abandoned, or even abused. Regardless, these wounds trigger deep and primal feelings, feelings of desperation, anger, confusion, shame, etc and can cause us to react.

The real problem emerges however, when we cannot own our wound, but instead blame the other, or expect them to "take care of it" or not trigger us. Ultimately, we have to learn to tend to our own wounds, as well as ask the other to be kind and gentle with our fragilities, to be safe for us. Both parties have to take responsibility for his or her own behavior before we become safe for the other. This requires open and non-blaming communication.

What are your deepest fears in relationship to others? Are these fears related to how you were treated in your past? Have you started to take responsibility for them? Do you have a partner who is willing to stay open and talk to you when you are triggered, when you trigger each other?

A relationship has the potential to be a cauldron for growth and transformation, or pain, fear or flight. Everything unfinished and triggered in that particular combination emerges to step into the dance of that relationship. In the process, we get to decide if this situation is safe enough, or if we want or deserve more. If we are attempting an intimate relationship with somebody who allows us to feel nourished and safe enough, we can stay and do the work and play of learning to love and grow in the matrix of connection with another.

copyright jennifer lehr 2008 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/safety-reactivity-in-relationships/

TELLING THE TRUTH: CREATING AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS

Originally Published 9/08

Sometimes it is hard to tell the truth because:

* We don't trust our perceptions.
* We are afraid of hurting the other person.
* We are afraid we will make them angry or they will abandon us.
* We don't realize that relationships are about relating.
* We have been taught to take care of others by not being ourselves.
* We assume that we are 100% responsible for the relationship.
* We see ourselves as powerless in the relationship.
* We are afraid of being transparent, real and seen.
* We are afraid of our power.


If we don't tell the truth, the other person has no way of knowing who we are, what we are thinking or feeling, or how they are impacting us. We assume (perhaps unconsciously) that they do not have the ability to navigate through their own feelings in response to us. Although this may be true, by not telling the truth, we rob them of the opportunity to rise to the challenge of relating to who we are, of having a truly authentic relationship with us.

Learning to tell the truth is a big process. Often we have been taught since we were little to put other's feelings ahead of our own. We have been taught that relating is being the same as the other, rather than allowing our differences. In order to alter this and honor ourselves, we need a new perspective. We need to know that as we take action and speak the truth in a way that empowers us, our lives will re-align. Our actions have impact and allow us to change, creating our lives. We are no longer held hostage by our fears of voicing ourselves, of being seen. As we become truthful, those we interact with get to choose whether or not they can also step up to the challenge. In either case our relationships will change. We will become closer to those, who whether they like it or not, support hearing our truth and honesty. These relationships will deepen and we will no longer feel as alone. We may lose relationships with those who do not want to hear how they affect us, who do not want to know who we are. When this happens, we may experience grief. Rather than being trapped in resentment, or fear, we have the opportunity to grieve and let go of our expectations, accepting the limitations of that person and relationship. A reorganization of our lives and relationships occurs.

How do you not tell the truth? Look at someone in your life who you don't talk to directly about his or her impact on you. Imagine telling them something they do that is difficult for you. Notice what feelings come up: discomfort, fear, shame? Notice how you choose the feelings associated with not telling the truth: frustration, feeling trapped etc, rather than the feelings that emerge when you do tell the truth. Both sets of feelings are uncomfortable, but one will lead you to freedom and authentic, healthy relationships, and the other will keep you trapped and dis-empowered. It is your choice. What kind of relationships do you want to have? What kind of life do you want to live?

copyright jennifer lehr 2008 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/telling-the-truth-creating-authentic-relationships/

ADVERSITY IS AN OPPORTUNITY

Originally published 8/08


I was in a session the other day when my client who had been struggling with some challenges said that he was taught that things had to be easy to be okay. I found myself responding…it is a privilege to struggle and have the opportunity to find out who we are, what we are made of.

When life is easy, we can enjoy ourselves and that is wonderful. But what about when life is not so easy? What about when we are up against challenges that really scare or overwhelm us?

It seems that it would be great if our lives were always easy and happy rather than challenging. But if we can only feel happiness when we are in the right situations or conditions, born into the right family or the right socio-economic group, we are trapped by the external. Adversity allows us the opportunity to find out what we are capable of, to access aspects of ourselves that we did not know existed, inner resources we didn’t know we had, and to develop our strengths.

Adversity can teach us that we have the ability to rise beyond our environment, that we are powerful beings who co-create our lives. This knowing brings not only inner strength and self-empowerment, but also ultimately wisdom. Instead of being victim to circumstances which shift and change throughout the years, we can choose to know that no matter where we find ourselves, we have the ability to grapple with both the external situation and our attitude about it. Like a small leaf being carried down a river, we can accept that we will move through different times and challenges. Rather than judging ourselves for what life hands us, we can trust that if life doesn’t dump us on pleasant shores, we will find a way to create what we desire, whether in attitude or actual circumstances.

Look at a difficult situation in your life right now. Are you using it to develop your strengths and compassion for yourself, or are you telling your self that you are bad, or that life isn’t fair?

Like Psyche, a goddess in Greek mythology, who despite tremendous obstacles, persisted in nearly impossible tasks and in the process made her soul complete, we can do the same. By owning our capacities and developing them, we create our lives and world. We come to find out who we are. Things do not have to be easy to be okay.


copyright jennifer lehr 2008 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/adversity-is-an-opportunity/

I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE

Originally published 7/08

"I am in the middle of my beautiful life". I tell myself this on occasion, and it always moves me into gratitude and also opens me up to feeling. It is a way of honoring my life, with all of its complexities, flaws, joys, heartaches etc. Even the parts of me that hurt or are small or broken are part of the beauty of my life. It moves me out of a perfectionistic attitude and into an owning of what it is to be human: beautiful and amazing, yet imperfect and wounded. It allows me to see my life stretched out from infancy to a future I have not yet created. I honor this life, this moment, this journey that I am on. This moment is part of a bigger picture, a bigger pattern, a bigger life than I may realize. I open up space for myself. I create grace.

We are all imperfect, but we have choice. We can choose what we tell ourselves. We may not be able to alter the past, change patterns immediately, or remove limitations currently affecting us, but we do have choice in how we speak to ourselves, and in the attitudes that we hold. We can tell ourselves that there is something that is wrong with us and make ourselves bad for it, or we can chose to honor ourselves despite the pain our imperfections require us to bear.

"I am in the middle of my beautiful life". Say it to yourself right now and notice what comes up. A feeling? A thought? Maybe we are rejecting this idea, maybe embracing it. Don't make yourself wrong or right, just notice. This is how we get to know ourselves, how we find out who we are. It is only when we know ourselves that we have the power to enact change.

copyright jennifer lehr 2008 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/i-am-in-the-middle-of-my-beautiful-life/

CHANGING YOUR INNER DIALOGUE

Originally published 5/08

In order to heal depression and anxiety, it is important to look at your inner dialogue. How are you talking to yourself; what messages are you giving yourself? Do you tell yourself that you cannot disappoint others? That you have to be perfect so nobody else gets upset? Do you tell yourself that you are stupid, or bad or incompetent? If so, you are treating yourself with disrespect. Once you are aware of your inner dialogue, try imagining that you are talking this way to a child that you love. What do you imagine would happen to this child? Then picture yourself at a young age. Would you want to be talked to this way? Ask yourself what the “little you” really needs to hear. “I love you no matter what.” “You are safe.” “You don’t’ have to take care of me, I will take care of you.” What ever it is, start changing talking to yourself with love and kindness instead of mistreating yourself. As you do this, you are starting to create a better relationship with yourself. You are beginning to claim the power to change your life and your feelings about yourself. You are the most important person in your life. Treat yourself that way.

copyright jennifer lehr 2008 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/changing-your-inner-dialogue/