I recently spent a week at a training workshop for therapists on Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. While I have been working with couples for years, there is always more to learn; I believe that this is the best couples methodology available today. Currently there are new frontiers opening in brain research, child development, and the need for safe secure connections in our primary relationships. These new areas of knowledge impact the practice of psychotherapy, especially around the areas of intimate relationships as well as how we have the power to alter our feelings, perceptions and responses.
What makes a relationship work? It is one of the questions I have been asking and answering in my own life. Because of my own history, developing the ability to have healthy nourishing relationships, to be present, direct and also be vulnerable has been a long and ongoing process. I remember once watching a romantic movie over and over again, gripped with the impending connection, the hope for absolute and complete harmony, for the feeling of truly loving and being loved.
Think about your relationship or what you imagine your relationship will be like. What do you long for? What do you dream about? What are the feelings you are looking for? Connection? Love? Safety?
As babies, we are held, fed, and attended to, and we grow in this context of connection. We continue to need connection throughout our adult lives. We long to be understood, to be cared for and to be loved. We long to know that we are important; that how we feel matters. We long to flow effortlessly between connection and autonomy. But our relationships are not so easy. Distressed couples are so because they do not feel safe connecting. As situations occur that frustrate that need for safe connection, disharmonies arise between us, as do both FEELINGS and behaviors. We develop strategies to not feel our grief, anger, shame and fear. We may cut off our own longing and not feel our need for connection. We may get angry and bitter to keep from feeling the grief that is underneath. These strategies that protect us, also limit our relationships.
As a therapist, I watch how couples interact. I notice how they talk to each other, who moves forward and how, who holds back. How we respond to each other creates a pattern. Noticing the pattern is important, because the pattern itself must be addressed.
This dance we do with each other stirs deep feelings that we act out causing painful cycles of interaction that repeat and repeat.
The other important piece is the feelings themselves. In therapy, we unpack feelings that are below the surface, below the mirage of the laundry that is never put away, or the frustration of a partner who wants to stay home instead of go out. Because we get stuck in the "above ground" issues, we don't understand what is underneath; that we don't feel cared for, loved, respected or understood. Most of us don't fully understand our historical relational wounds and how they impact us. We often don't face our partners and tell them about our hurts and what we need. When we do, they sometimes cannot hear us.
While straightening this out, both the therapist and the partners sometimes get caught in compromise. "If you do this, I will do that," etc. Compromise doesn't deal with the deeper longings for safe connection. It is like rearranging the furniture in a room that is falling down. Changing our relationships involves learning new ways of being, reorganizing our emotions and experience, and understanding ourselves differently EXPERIENTIALLY. As we interact with ourselves and partner differently, we are actually architecting a different brain. It also means that both parties will be emotionally uncomfortable for a while. And that is a big deal. I don't know anybody who says, "Great, I want to be emotionally uncomfortable. I want to feel vulnerable, scared, or in pain." It is inherently uncomfortable to connect with our primary feelings and communicate our vulnerabilities, yet it is an essential part of change. While the old pattern keeps us stuck, emotional responsiveness allows our love to grow. Are you willing to be uncomfortable?
Very briefly, here's what has to happen:
We identify the relationship pattern.
We take responsibility for our part.
We get in touch with our deeper feelings including old wounds affecting our perceptions and needs.
We take responsibility for how our part of the pattern affects our partner's feelings.
We listen to our partner talk about his or her feelings.
We share our own feelings.
We support each other in this process.
Lets suppose we have a couple where one of the partners is closed down and the other is more volatile (this is very common). The closed down person (let's say he) often doesn't really know his feelings. He got away from them a long time ago, as they weren't fun. Maybe as a child, he was criticized or his feelings weren't supported. He suppressed those feeling; packed them away. He tends to be cerebral and logical. He doesn't know how to open up and be vulnerable, and the idea of it is frankly, scary. The volatile partner is more connected to her emotions, but often it is anger that is expressed, not her longing for connection, or her feelings of not wanting to be abandoned, or wanting to be considered more. That partner has learned how to try to assertively get what she wants rather than be open and vulnerable as well as feel and then communicate her pain. What happens when these two get together? When they run into a conflict, he will withdraw, and she will attempt to get what she needs by moving forward, often with some anger. He hides more and she pushes more. They get caught in a cycle. Neither realizes that the cycle is caused by both of them. Both feel like it is the other person's fault. Neither knows how to change the cycle. Neither person feels safe.
The mission of the EFT therapist is to enable both partners to experience their primary feelings and longings, explore, organize, and ultimately communicate them to their partner. This requires the partner who doesn't have good access to his feelings to DEVELOP access to his feelings. It requires the angry partner to stop blaming and see the vulnerability of the more withdrawn partner, and later to also show her own vulnerability and need. When a couple begins to do this, they are responding to, and caring for each other rather than reacting, closing down, blaming or pushing the other away. As each develops in their ability to feel, understand feelings that they were not aware of, and open to the other, they become a stronger couple. They feel safer and more secure. They both change into people who are capable of a nourishing relationship.
If this sounds useful to you, you have some options. These include reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, attend a Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop (I hope to be running one in a few months), or find a therapist using EFT (like me) by going to www.iceeft.com.
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010"
Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/innovations-in-couples-therapy-2/
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Bringing In The New
It is a new year. Many of us have been reflecting upon the past year, and looking forward to a different time. For many, the past year has felt frustrating, frenetic and filled with limitations. Perhaps we will find more awareness, possibility, and peace in 2010.
The Sanskrit word yoga has many meanings and is derived from the Sanskrit root "yuj," meaning, "to control," "to yoke" or "to unite." It is the word yoke I wish to focus on. In Yoga, we are bound by the pose, by the limitations of our body and consciousness, and consequently learn to focus more deeply while opening our hearts. We follow our breath, focus on our bodies, notice how we are supported, how we are limited, how our musculature and consciousness interact. We learn to be in what is uncomfortable, rather than escape. We learn to witness and breath. Our awareness increases. We become in union.
Both in our lives and relationships, we may find ourselves yoked. We may find ourselves in a situation in which we feel limited. We have the option to focus differently, to increase our awareness so that we may expand while dealing with our limitations, rather than be constricted by them. Perhaps our job is chaotic. Instead of getting caught in the chaos, we may learn to engage with it differently, to witness ourselves, rather than react or push. Similarly, in a relationship our fate is bound with another as long as that relationship continues. What our partner does impacts us, and what we do impacts him or her. Being in a relationship can at times be like a yoga practice. We are in relationship with both possibilities as well as limitations. Events occur that may be uncomfortable or difficult, that we do not have the ability to change, or at least not quickly. At those times, rather than falling into habitual ways of being, we can choose to learn to witness ourselves. We learn to tolerate the discomfort. We have the possibility of developing aspects of ourselves that were not previously developed. Like a master yogi, we become masters of ourselves.
In yoga, our body/mind is not immediately different, more flexible or fully conscious. We do not instantly understand how our muscles work, or how to be in a pose. The changes we make are small and occur over time, though regular practice. As we move into this New Year, perhaps we can look at what we are yoked to. What we must work with, or accept? What can we change? If we cannot change something or someone, what is our most valuable course of action? When we are yoked, we can choose to turn and face our situation. We can pay attention to the sensations and feelings we are experiencing. We learn to be in and explore the discomfort. One of the teachings of some yogic and Buddhist thought is that even though life is often uncomfortable, there is no need to seek a more comfortable position because all positions are temporary. As we leave one, another with it's own challenges will arise.
Wherever you are in your life or relationship, you can view it as the place you are now, rather than the place you are trying to escape. What can you learn? To communicate differently? To not react? To not blame yourself? To get yourself unstuck and leave? What can you learn from focusing on where you are now?
One of goals of psychotherapy is increasing awareness. Gestalt therapy in particular focuses on staying with what is, as an agent to change. Trying to get somewhere else does not give you the insight, tools or awareness necessary to become somebody who is somewhere else. Those insights, tools and awarenesses are developed where you are right now.
For example, lets suppose that Sue and John get in a fight. They can continue to rehash the same fight over and over again in a myriad of manifestations, or they can start to look at the pattern they are caught in. The pattern is the problem. How is it caused? When he gets mad, I get nervous. My heart is pounding, I feel scared. Why? I feel alone. He isn't seeing me. I can't make him be available right now. Find that feeling in your past. I remember feeling this way when I was little and my dad was mad. I was scared then too. So now, how do I try to stop that feeling? What action do I habitually take? I withdraw. I tell myself that nobody understands me. Once the pattern is recognizable, we can start talking about it, understand it, and ultimately address and change it.
As we move though our lives, we may encounter challenging situation after challenging situation. As we work with these challenges, we change. Eventually, because we have mastered some aspect of ourselves - it feels as if those situations are not occurring anymore. We've grown enough that what was once difficult is now inconsequential.
When we are yoked to something or someone, we have the opportunity to work with the situation and with ourselves. Over time, we develop more acceptance, strength, insight and possibility. The old structure and consciousness loosen and something new comes into being. With the change of this calendar year, we can evaluate how we have grown, what we have worked through and released, and where we are still bound.
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010"
Sunday, January 3, 2010
SURRENDER INTO SUPPORT
Originally published 12/09
“The elders have sent me to you today to tell you that NOW is like a great rushing river. And this great rushing river will be experienced in many ways. There are many who try to hold on to the shore; there is no shore. The shore is crumbling. The instructions are: Push off into the middle of the river; keep your head above water; see who else is in the river with you; and celebrate”. --- Choquosh, Native American storyteller
Recently I have been thinking about how much change we are all going through – the tightening of finances for many people, finding ourselves in positions we have never imagined – moving back in with our families, unable to find work, careers becoming obsolete. The world appears to be moving faster and faster, and becoming more and more stressful. Unforeseen events and unfinished business are challenging us. Relationships are falling apart, stresses we don't know how to handle are occurring. Many of us seem to be in the midst of a massive transformation, and we are being forced to search for internal resources, as the external appears to continue to unravel.
Some of us have spent our lives developing our competencies. We learned how to make things happen. We learned how to push and we found our value in this, for it kept us safe. But now pushing is not helping us, it is creating more stress. Not accepting where we find ourselves, we try to push ourselves even harder to a “better” place. The problem is that as we PUSH, we are pushing today’s stress into the future. Instead, as we stand in chaos, uncertainty, fear and discomfort, can we find a way to be in a better place internally, to find a center we do not know?
A phrase that comes up occasionally in my yoga class is "surrender into support.” In these stressful times, how can we cooperate with our fate and "surrender into support"? What do we have to learn to move out of a life of struggle and into a life of ease and grace?
One thing that helps me is becoming aware of my “energy.” I notice when I am feeling happy or carefree. I notice when I am feeling stressed. Why am I happy some moments and not others? What is occurring, what am I telling myself? When I feel happy I feel trusting and safe. I am not worrying about the future, but usually am immersed in the present. When I am stressed I often am giving myself negative messages such as, "I have to hurry", "I have too much to do", "this will never work out", or "I'm not safe.” Notice how you feel as you read these phrases. You’re probably tensing up. Sometimes as we become aware of our own messages, we can shift them. We can decide to be different. Other times they are attached to deeper wounds that require unraveling. Do you know what you get stuck in, what makes you feel insecure or triggers internal messages that harm you?
If you are working on a relationship or in a dilemma, ask yourself these questions. For example:
* What is triggering me? - I lost my job, or she is mad at me.
* What happens in my body? - I tense up, or I check out.
* What does my mind say? - I have to make this happen, or it’s all my fault.
* How do I respond? - I worry, or I start explaining and defending myself.
Take a minute and think about one of your struggles. Dissect it with the above questions. Identify the underlying fears. When we are afraid; we get stressed; we lose perspective.
To surrender into support, step back and see the bigger picture. When we step back, we are not so caught in the moment and we have more perspective. Our lives involve traveling through different chapters and conditions. We are bigger than the current landscape of our lives. Perhaps as our lives are being dismantled to the foundation, we can rebuild ourselves differently. We can let go of the shore of the river, and find a way to celebrate.
"Copyright 2009 Jennifer Lehr" Originally published at http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/surrender-into-support/
“The elders have sent me to you today to tell you that NOW is like a great rushing river. And this great rushing river will be experienced in many ways. There are many who try to hold on to the shore; there is no shore. The shore is crumbling. The instructions are: Push off into the middle of the river; keep your head above water; see who else is in the river with you; and celebrate”. --- Choquosh, Native American storyteller
Recently I have been thinking about how much change we are all going through – the tightening of finances for many people, finding ourselves in positions we have never imagined – moving back in with our families, unable to find work, careers becoming obsolete. The world appears to be moving faster and faster, and becoming more and more stressful. Unforeseen events and unfinished business are challenging us. Relationships are falling apart, stresses we don't know how to handle are occurring. Many of us seem to be in the midst of a massive transformation, and we are being forced to search for internal resources, as the external appears to continue to unravel.
Some of us have spent our lives developing our competencies. We learned how to make things happen. We learned how to push and we found our value in this, for it kept us safe. But now pushing is not helping us, it is creating more stress. Not accepting where we find ourselves, we try to push ourselves even harder to a “better” place. The problem is that as we PUSH, we are pushing today’s stress into the future. Instead, as we stand in chaos, uncertainty, fear and discomfort, can we find a way to be in a better place internally, to find a center we do not know?
A phrase that comes up occasionally in my yoga class is "surrender into support.” In these stressful times, how can we cooperate with our fate and "surrender into support"? What do we have to learn to move out of a life of struggle and into a life of ease and grace?
One thing that helps me is becoming aware of my “energy.” I notice when I am feeling happy or carefree. I notice when I am feeling stressed. Why am I happy some moments and not others? What is occurring, what am I telling myself? When I feel happy I feel trusting and safe. I am not worrying about the future, but usually am immersed in the present. When I am stressed I often am giving myself negative messages such as, "I have to hurry", "I have too much to do", "this will never work out", or "I'm not safe.” Notice how you feel as you read these phrases. You’re probably tensing up. Sometimes as we become aware of our own messages, we can shift them. We can decide to be different. Other times they are attached to deeper wounds that require unraveling. Do you know what you get stuck in, what makes you feel insecure or triggers internal messages that harm you?
If you are working on a relationship or in a dilemma, ask yourself these questions. For example:
* What is triggering me? - I lost my job, or she is mad at me.
* What happens in my body? - I tense up, or I check out.
* What does my mind say? - I have to make this happen, or it’s all my fault.
* How do I respond? - I worry, or I start explaining and defending myself.
Take a minute and think about one of your struggles. Dissect it with the above questions. Identify the underlying fears. When we are afraid; we get stressed; we lose perspective.
To surrender into support, step back and see the bigger picture. When we step back, we are not so caught in the moment and we have more perspective. Our lives involve traveling through different chapters and conditions. We are bigger than the current landscape of our lives. Perhaps as our lives are being dismantled to the foundation, we can rebuild ourselves differently. We can let go of the shore of the river, and find a way to celebrate.
"Copyright 2009 Jennifer Lehr" Originally published at http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/surrender-into-support/
HOW TO CREATE A LOVING RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN SUSTAIN - INTRODUCTION
Originally published 11/09
Once upon a time there was a princess. She dreamed of her prince charming. She waited and waited. One day, he finally arrived on his white horse. They fell in love and rode off into the sunset, and lived happily ever after. This is pretty much the romantic myth we have grown up with. Trouble is, it isn’t that simple. What if instead we were taught that in order to find “the one” we must first look at our own flawed, inaccurate or immature ways of being in our relationships with others? What if we learn to create relationships that work, and trust that as we grow, our relationships will also change and improve? Imagine how that shift in attitude would affect our relationships.
• What if each partner has enough self-development, self-knowledge and relationship knowledge that they can provide consistent guidance, support and nurturing for their partner?
• What if we learn to help heal our partners and ourselves?
• What if when one of us falls apart or loses perspective, the other can hold the space for him or her without receiving much in return, until the partner recovers?
• What if in doing all of this, we become a community of people who support and help each other instead of inflict wounds on each other?
These are important questions, for they point to levels of self-development and skill that all of us need. We need to be solid ourselves before we are capable of being in a truly fulfilling and sustainable relationship.
What does a “relationship ready” person look like? Briefly:
1. We have an internal sense of safety. We trust ourselves and others trust us. We are competent in terms of survival issues as well as feel emotionally safe. We take care of ourselves. We see the world in terms of abundance rather than scarcity. Because we trust ourselves, we feel safe and we can enjoy and play in our relationships. We are able to be on the same team with others.
2. We are accountable and take responsibility for ourselves. We are unafraid to look at ourselves, to see our part in whatever is occurring. Our imperfections are not something we are ashamed of, but an expression of our humanness and a part of our path. We know that as our imperfections arise, they guide us to the next task.
3. We are self-empowered enough to respect ourselves as well as our partner. In our relationships we are able to tolerate our differences. Sometimes this means we compromise or shift our position. Sometimes it means we stand firm and do not give in.
4. We recognize love as the guiding principle in our relationships. We open our hearts to take in our partner’s vulnerabilities. We have empathy as well as are able to be vulnerable ourselves. Our hearts connect through our vulnerabilities and we choose to behave in a loving manner. Because we can be vulnerability and have empathy for the other, we are able to forgive rather than resent.
5. We communicate honestly even if it feels risky, because we know that love is a fantasy if we don’t actually share our true selves. We have the ability to listen. We want to hear the other’s stories and tell them ours, because we want to know each other.
6. We have emotional intelligence; we strive to understand ourselves. We know what our feelings are and why we are having them. We are able to manage our feelings. We use our self-understanding to make our relationship work and our feelings assist us, rather than wreak havoc on our relationship.
7. We understand what our relationship is asking of us, and its purpose. We see the bigger picture. We are willing to stretch because we know that a fulfilling relationship will require us to grow. We know that learning to love means becoming whole.
Tall order? Yup. Possible? Yup.
Take your pick: you can work on growing and becoming more “relational” while you wait for the right relationship, or you can just wait.
Now that we’ve mapped out the “what” lets look more closely at each of these needs and the “how” of getting there. Sign up for the next 7 parts (free) on my website.
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2009"
Once upon a time there was a princess. She dreamed of her prince charming. She waited and waited. One day, he finally arrived on his white horse. They fell in love and rode off into the sunset, and lived happily ever after. This is pretty much the romantic myth we have grown up with. Trouble is, it isn’t that simple. What if instead we were taught that in order to find “the one” we must first look at our own flawed, inaccurate or immature ways of being in our relationships with others? What if we learn to create relationships that work, and trust that as we grow, our relationships will also change and improve? Imagine how that shift in attitude would affect our relationships.
• What if each partner has enough self-development, self-knowledge and relationship knowledge that they can provide consistent guidance, support and nurturing for their partner?
• What if we learn to help heal our partners and ourselves?
• What if when one of us falls apart or loses perspective, the other can hold the space for him or her without receiving much in return, until the partner recovers?
• What if in doing all of this, we become a community of people who support and help each other instead of inflict wounds on each other?
These are important questions, for they point to levels of self-development and skill that all of us need. We need to be solid ourselves before we are capable of being in a truly fulfilling and sustainable relationship.
What does a “relationship ready” person look like? Briefly:
1. We have an internal sense of safety. We trust ourselves and others trust us. We are competent in terms of survival issues as well as feel emotionally safe. We take care of ourselves. We see the world in terms of abundance rather than scarcity. Because we trust ourselves, we feel safe and we can enjoy and play in our relationships. We are able to be on the same team with others.
2. We are accountable and take responsibility for ourselves. We are unafraid to look at ourselves, to see our part in whatever is occurring. Our imperfections are not something we are ashamed of, but an expression of our humanness and a part of our path. We know that as our imperfections arise, they guide us to the next task.
3. We are self-empowered enough to respect ourselves as well as our partner. In our relationships we are able to tolerate our differences. Sometimes this means we compromise or shift our position. Sometimes it means we stand firm and do not give in.
4. We recognize love as the guiding principle in our relationships. We open our hearts to take in our partner’s vulnerabilities. We have empathy as well as are able to be vulnerable ourselves. Our hearts connect through our vulnerabilities and we choose to behave in a loving manner. Because we can be vulnerability and have empathy for the other, we are able to forgive rather than resent.
5. We communicate honestly even if it feels risky, because we know that love is a fantasy if we don’t actually share our true selves. We have the ability to listen. We want to hear the other’s stories and tell them ours, because we want to know each other.
6. We have emotional intelligence; we strive to understand ourselves. We know what our feelings are and why we are having them. We are able to manage our feelings. We use our self-understanding to make our relationship work and our feelings assist us, rather than wreak havoc on our relationship.
7. We understand what our relationship is asking of us, and its purpose. We see the bigger picture. We are willing to stretch because we know that a fulfilling relationship will require us to grow. We know that learning to love means becoming whole.
Tall order? Yup. Possible? Yup.
Take your pick: you can work on growing and becoming more “relational” while you wait for the right relationship, or you can just wait.
Now that we’ve mapped out the “what” lets look more closely at each of these needs and the “how” of getting there. Sign up for the next 7 parts (free) on my website.
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2009"
HOW PAST TRAUMA IMPACTS CURRENT RELATIONSHIPS
Originally published 10/09
“The more quickly either person goes from disappointment or hurt to anger, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal and remains stuck there, the less that person is capable of having a relationship and the more the other person will have to walk on eggshells”. Mark Goulston
Why do some people have relationships that work and other’s don’t? One reason is past trauma that is affecting the emotional safety of the relationship. Most of us don’t know what a “traumatized state of mind” is, but we do know when our world gets dark. We know when we feel as if we’ve been attacked or not considered by another. We know when we are so hurt we can’t talk, or we can only scream or react.
There are two things to consider here: one is actual trauma caused by another, such as being raped, hit, yelled at, picked on, etc., and the other is a “traumatized state of mind”, which is when one is experiencing intense disconnect or anger out of proportion to what is actually occurring. In this newsletter, we are looking at the traumatized state of mind, not actual abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, get help or get out.
Without going into what actually occurs in the mind/body during trauma, there are degrees of trauma, all of which causes disconnection. In moments of trauma, we don’t have external support. We are thrown back on ourselves. We are alone, no longer part of a matrix of connection and love. Later in life, various events can trigger that experience and those feelings. Whether it is a voice inside saying, “How could you treat me like that?” to a rage or withdrawal that you can’t get yourself out of, we find ourselves alone again. What we do with that experience varies. Some of us fight to be seen, to make it right, while others pull back and hide, or abuse substances. But while doing so we are not making a choice. We are reacting. Whatever the case, there has just been a disruption in our relationship.
When we move into and experience a traumatized state of mind, we lose perspective. Complexity collapses. The world becomes black and white, good and bad. We can no longer communicate rationally because we are no longer rational. Our world has fractured. From where we are, it appears that the other person has betrayed us. We are hurt and not thinking clearly. It is from this place that damage is done to our relationships. We are no longer capable of communicating rationally, and maybe not even treating the other person fairly. We are no longer in command of ourselves.
Changing this dynamic in a relationship requires a number of things:
* Seeing and taking responsibility for your own behavior and the damage you’ve caused your relationship.
* Learning to deal with hurts and disappointments differently.
* Seeing the relationship as a place to build a bridge between differences, not as a place with rights and wrongs.
* Understanding our past wounds so we can heal them.
* Sharing our wounds with our partner, our wounds are part of the relationship.
It’s up to us to master ourselves. We can change ourselves if we choose to, but to do so, we need to become aware of how we lose ourselves “under the influence” of our past emotional trauma. Only then we can be fully present for the other and be in a truly functioning relationship.
“Copyright 2009 Jennifer Lehr” Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/how-past-trauma-impacts-current-relationships/
“The more quickly either person goes from disappointment or hurt to anger, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal and remains stuck there, the less that person is capable of having a relationship and the more the other person will have to walk on eggshells”. Mark Goulston
Why do some people have relationships that work and other’s don’t? One reason is past trauma that is affecting the emotional safety of the relationship. Most of us don’t know what a “traumatized state of mind” is, but we do know when our world gets dark. We know when we feel as if we’ve been attacked or not considered by another. We know when we are so hurt we can’t talk, or we can only scream or react.
There are two things to consider here: one is actual trauma caused by another, such as being raped, hit, yelled at, picked on, etc., and the other is a “traumatized state of mind”, which is when one is experiencing intense disconnect or anger out of proportion to what is actually occurring. In this newsletter, we are looking at the traumatized state of mind, not actual abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, get help or get out.
Without going into what actually occurs in the mind/body during trauma, there are degrees of trauma, all of which causes disconnection. In moments of trauma, we don’t have external support. We are thrown back on ourselves. We are alone, no longer part of a matrix of connection and love. Later in life, various events can trigger that experience and those feelings. Whether it is a voice inside saying, “How could you treat me like that?” to a rage or withdrawal that you can’t get yourself out of, we find ourselves alone again. What we do with that experience varies. Some of us fight to be seen, to make it right, while others pull back and hide, or abuse substances. But while doing so we are not making a choice. We are reacting. Whatever the case, there has just been a disruption in our relationship.
When we move into and experience a traumatized state of mind, we lose perspective. Complexity collapses. The world becomes black and white, good and bad. We can no longer communicate rationally because we are no longer rational. Our world has fractured. From where we are, it appears that the other person has betrayed us. We are hurt and not thinking clearly. It is from this place that damage is done to our relationships. We are no longer capable of communicating rationally, and maybe not even treating the other person fairly. We are no longer in command of ourselves.
Changing this dynamic in a relationship requires a number of things:
* Seeing and taking responsibility for your own behavior and the damage you’ve caused your relationship.
* Learning to deal with hurts and disappointments differently.
* Seeing the relationship as a place to build a bridge between differences, not as a place with rights and wrongs.
* Understanding our past wounds so we can heal them.
* Sharing our wounds with our partner, our wounds are part of the relationship.
It’s up to us to master ourselves. We can change ourselves if we choose to, but to do so, we need to become aware of how we lose ourselves “under the influence” of our past emotional trauma. Only then we can be fully present for the other and be in a truly functioning relationship.
“Copyright 2009 Jennifer Lehr” Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/how-past-trauma-impacts-current-relationships/
WHAT IF I DECIDED THAT MY LIFE IS MY FRIEND?
Originally published 9/09
As I watch people struggle in their lives (and because it is not my life I often have more perspective then they do), I sometimes see what they need to let go of. Maybe they are getting sick because it is the only way they can begin to relate to their body with real love. Maybe they have put something external ahead of their integrity or health. Whatever the case, they have had to live through various difficult events, which through their suffering eventually caused them to see how they were trading some valuable part of themselves in for something external and therefore not authentic.
Recently I found myself feeling overwhelmed. I was in the middle of juggling some big changes in my life, and had lost my perspective. I found myself trying to push through the current and challenging chapter of my life, so I could move into what was next, which in my imagination, could only be better. My pushing was a form of control. I was trying to make my life something it wasn’t, instead of recognizing and being in what it actually was. As I came to realize that I had little control over the events that were occurring around me, I knew I was stuck. Although I was aware of the feelings being triggered and how they related to my past, I was unable to find another way to see things and move into a more empowered position on my own. I took the issue to my therapist and got the help I needed. She gave me a different way of looking at what was occurring, and helped me see what I was trying to learn, what my life was trying to teach me. Because of this, I became able to make different choices in how I perceived what was happening and in how I was relating to the events in my life. I saw how I needed to let go of the external as a way of evaluating myself, and focus on my internal worth. I started to let go of the struggle that I was in.
I began to say to myself:
Although I do not feel safe and am uncomfortable, I am safe.
I am trying to control the uncontrollable. I refuse to do that and ruin my day.
How I use my energy in this moment is more important than where I think I am headed.
I will not misuse my energy (get tense, hopeless etc) because it will only perpetuate that.
I choose joy, grace and dignity, because I can.
I will not allow external circumstances to dictate my mood or how I use my energy.
I was shifting. Plenty of things were still not going the way I wanted them to, but I was no longer allowing that to derail me. Instead, I was feeling better, more empowered, more accepting of the imperfection that life is.
As I engaged in this process of transforming myself, I began to ask, “What about me”? “What is life whispering in my ear?” “What is my life trying to teach me?” I started to see how important it is for me to trust my life. I get to choose the lens I look through. What if I decided that my life is my friend? What if I choose to see that absolutely everything that occurs in my life is purposeful and designed to help me evolve? I knew that only way I could become who I most want to be: joyous, grateful, trusting, was by deciding that absolutely everything that is happening to me, everything in my life, is in support of my growth.
Because I want to trust my life, I choose to. Not once, but over and over as challenges arise and throw me into doubt for a moment or an hour or a day. I tell myself: I trust my life. My life is my friend. The events in my life are occurring to assist me in my growth and evolution. I seek out ways to see what it is that my life is trying to tell me, so that I can cooperate with it, rather than fight against it.
Copyright 2009 Jennifer Lehr Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/what-if-i-decided-that-my-life-was-my-friend/
As I watch people struggle in their lives (and because it is not my life I often have more perspective then they do), I sometimes see what they need to let go of. Maybe they are getting sick because it is the only way they can begin to relate to their body with real love. Maybe they have put something external ahead of their integrity or health. Whatever the case, they have had to live through various difficult events, which through their suffering eventually caused them to see how they were trading some valuable part of themselves in for something external and therefore not authentic.
Recently I found myself feeling overwhelmed. I was in the middle of juggling some big changes in my life, and had lost my perspective. I found myself trying to push through the current and challenging chapter of my life, so I could move into what was next, which in my imagination, could only be better. My pushing was a form of control. I was trying to make my life something it wasn’t, instead of recognizing and being in what it actually was. As I came to realize that I had little control over the events that were occurring around me, I knew I was stuck. Although I was aware of the feelings being triggered and how they related to my past, I was unable to find another way to see things and move into a more empowered position on my own. I took the issue to my therapist and got the help I needed. She gave me a different way of looking at what was occurring, and helped me see what I was trying to learn, what my life was trying to teach me. Because of this, I became able to make different choices in how I perceived what was happening and in how I was relating to the events in my life. I saw how I needed to let go of the external as a way of evaluating myself, and focus on my internal worth. I started to let go of the struggle that I was in.
I began to say to myself:
Although I do not feel safe and am uncomfortable, I am safe.
I am trying to control the uncontrollable. I refuse to do that and ruin my day.
How I use my energy in this moment is more important than where I think I am headed.
I will not misuse my energy (get tense, hopeless etc) because it will only perpetuate that.
I choose joy, grace and dignity, because I can.
I will not allow external circumstances to dictate my mood or how I use my energy.
I was shifting. Plenty of things were still not going the way I wanted them to, but I was no longer allowing that to derail me. Instead, I was feeling better, more empowered, more accepting of the imperfection that life is.
As I engaged in this process of transforming myself, I began to ask, “What about me”? “What is life whispering in my ear?” “What is my life trying to teach me?” I started to see how important it is for me to trust my life. I get to choose the lens I look through. What if I decided that my life is my friend? What if I choose to see that absolutely everything that occurs in my life is purposeful and designed to help me evolve? I knew that only way I could become who I most want to be: joyous, grateful, trusting, was by deciding that absolutely everything that is happening to me, everything in my life, is in support of my growth.
Because I want to trust my life, I choose to. Not once, but over and over as challenges arise and throw me into doubt for a moment or an hour or a day. I tell myself: I trust my life. My life is my friend. The events in my life are occurring to assist me in my growth and evolution. I seek out ways to see what it is that my life is trying to tell me, so that I can cooperate with it, rather than fight against it.
Copyright 2009 Jennifer Lehr Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/what-if-i-decided-that-my-life-was-my-friend/
WHEN LOVE STOPS WORKING - GETTING IT GOING AGAIN
Originally published 7/09
Almost everyone wants love in his or her life. It is a vital ingredient of our humanness. We are born through the bodies of our mothers, most likely have nursed on her breasts, were held, touched and attended to. We develop in connection to others. Our survival depends on our relationships. We are not designed to be without relationship. We cannot exist without them.
When relationships stop working, there is often a wound that needs to be attended to. Many of us grew up in homes with various kinds of disconnection occurring. Whether our caretakers were preoccupied, angry, needy or impatient, we may at times have felt uncared about. We may have lost someone we loved, or have been completely disregarded or abused. As children, we had to survive this pain. We may have learned to push our feelings out of our awareness. Ultimately, we developed ways to tolerate and survive these disconnects. These are the survival techniques that we have brought into our current relationships. And they often don’t work.
Connection and safety are intricately bound. Our relationships trigger primal survival needs and feelings, and when threatened, the primal fears of an infant emerge. Survival is at the root of our relationships. It is difficult to play or be vulnerable when you do not feel safe. When our relationships are threatened or we are insecure, we become afraid of abandonment or of being overwhelmed or trapped. Those feelings emerge as rage, fear, longing and grief, and cause us to react rather than respond reasonably. We often do not see where these feelings are coming from. We have no way to link them to an actual past events. All we know is that something feels awful and we are in a struggle to be seen, heard, and understood. The emotional dance that emerges is not logical, but born of deep longings for safety and connection. Feeling safe, asking for what we need and being responsive to the other is paramount to our health and happiness. Safety must exist for both intimacy and play to be present in a committed relationship. While we do not necessarily have to delve into the past to change things, it usually helps. And we do have to start looking at and improving our current relational skills.
* Do you accept too little in a relationship ? – If you accept too little, it is time to decide that you deserve more and figure out what is stopping you. v Are you too demanding? – If it always has to be your way, you will need to trust you can get enough of what you need without misusing your power. The cost of powering your way through a relationship is too high.
* Can you ask for what you need? – Do you believe that you have impact, that you are worth listening to and being responded to? Why not?
* What are the ways that you disconnect? – Are you willing to re-engage?
* Do you feel safe and loved in your relationship, safe enough to both be vulnerable and to play? – What do you need to help you feel safer and more connected?
* Are you responsive to your partner? – This will help your partner feel safe with you.
We are imperfect beings, who love and are loved by other imperfect beings. While disagreements and differences are part of life and growth, conflict can make us feel vulnerable and react to these differences. Deep down, we are afraid of losing or not getting what we need, of not being loved. Are you secure enough to have your feelings, yet also listen to your partner’s feelings, without making them wrong? Sustaining a connected relationship (with the right person) requires a number of skills. Mostly, we have to be solid enough to tolerate differences and still stay in responsive and loving contact even when we are uncomfortable.
Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2009 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/when-love-stops-working-getting-it-going-again/
Almost everyone wants love in his or her life. It is a vital ingredient of our humanness. We are born through the bodies of our mothers, most likely have nursed on her breasts, were held, touched and attended to. We develop in connection to others. Our survival depends on our relationships. We are not designed to be without relationship. We cannot exist without them.
When relationships stop working, there is often a wound that needs to be attended to. Many of us grew up in homes with various kinds of disconnection occurring. Whether our caretakers were preoccupied, angry, needy or impatient, we may at times have felt uncared about. We may have lost someone we loved, or have been completely disregarded or abused. As children, we had to survive this pain. We may have learned to push our feelings out of our awareness. Ultimately, we developed ways to tolerate and survive these disconnects. These are the survival techniques that we have brought into our current relationships. And they often don’t work.
Connection and safety are intricately bound. Our relationships trigger primal survival needs and feelings, and when threatened, the primal fears of an infant emerge. Survival is at the root of our relationships. It is difficult to play or be vulnerable when you do not feel safe. When our relationships are threatened or we are insecure, we become afraid of abandonment or of being overwhelmed or trapped. Those feelings emerge as rage, fear, longing and grief, and cause us to react rather than respond reasonably. We often do not see where these feelings are coming from. We have no way to link them to an actual past events. All we know is that something feels awful and we are in a struggle to be seen, heard, and understood. The emotional dance that emerges is not logical, but born of deep longings for safety and connection. Feeling safe, asking for what we need and being responsive to the other is paramount to our health and happiness. Safety must exist for both intimacy and play to be present in a committed relationship. While we do not necessarily have to delve into the past to change things, it usually helps. And we do have to start looking at and improving our current relational skills.
* Do you accept too little in a relationship ? – If you accept too little, it is time to decide that you deserve more and figure out what is stopping you. v Are you too demanding? – If it always has to be your way, you will need to trust you can get enough of what you need without misusing your power. The cost of powering your way through a relationship is too high.
* Can you ask for what you need? – Do you believe that you have impact, that you are worth listening to and being responded to? Why not?
* What are the ways that you disconnect? – Are you willing to re-engage?
* Do you feel safe and loved in your relationship, safe enough to both be vulnerable and to play? – What do you need to help you feel safer and more connected?
* Are you responsive to your partner? – This will help your partner feel safe with you.
We are imperfect beings, who love and are loved by other imperfect beings. While disagreements and differences are part of life and growth, conflict can make us feel vulnerable and react to these differences. Deep down, we are afraid of losing or not getting what we need, of not being loved. Are you secure enough to have your feelings, yet also listen to your partner’s feelings, without making them wrong? Sustaining a connected relationship (with the right person) requires a number of skills. Mostly, we have to be solid enough to tolerate differences and still stay in responsive and loving contact even when we are uncomfortable.
Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2009 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/when-love-stops-working-getting-it-going-again/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
