Wednesday, November 27, 2019
Friday, April 15, 2016
ADVERSITY IS AN OPPORTUNITY
Originally published 8/08
I was in a session the other day when my client who had been struggling with some challenges said that he was taught that things had to be easy to be okay. I found myself responding…it is a privilege to struggle and have the opportunity to find out who we are, what we are made of.
When life is easy, we can enjoy ourselves and that is wonderful. But what about when life is not so easy? What about when we are up against challenges that really scare or overwhelm us?
It seems that it would be great if our lives were always easy and happy rather than challenging. But if we can only feel happiness when we are in the right situations or conditions, born into the right family or the right socio-economic group, we are trapped by the external. Adversity allows us the opportunity to find out what we are capable of, to access aspects of ourselves that we did not know existed, inner resources we didn’t know we had, and to develop our strengths.
Adversity can teach us that we have the ability to rise beyond our environment, that we are powerful beings who co-create our lives. This knowing brings not only inner strength and self-empowerment, but also ultimately wisdom. Instead of being victim to circumstances which shift and change throughout the years, we can choose to know that no matter where we find ourselves, we have the ability to grapple with both the external situation and our attitude about it. Like a small leaf being carried down a river, we can accept that we will move through different times and challenges. Rather than judging ourselves for what life hands us, we can trust that if life doesn’t dump us on pleasant shores, we will find a way to create what we desire, whether in attitude or actual circumstances.
Look at a difficult situation in your life right now. Are you using it to develop your strengths and compassion for yourself, or are you telling your self that you are bad, or that life isn’t fair?
Like Psyche, a goddess in Greek mythology, who despite tremendous obstacles, persisted in nearly impossible tasks and in the process made her soul complete, we can do the same. By owning our capacities and developing them, we create our lives and world. We come to find out who we are. Things do not have to be easy to be okay.
copyright jennifer lehr 2008 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/adversity-is-an-opportunity/
I was in a session the other day when my client who had been struggling with some challenges said that he was taught that things had to be easy to be okay. I found myself responding…it is a privilege to struggle and have the opportunity to find out who we are, what we are made of.
When life is easy, we can enjoy ourselves and that is wonderful. But what about when life is not so easy? What about when we are up against challenges that really scare or overwhelm us?
It seems that it would be great if our lives were always easy and happy rather than challenging. But if we can only feel happiness when we are in the right situations or conditions, born into the right family or the right socio-economic group, we are trapped by the external. Adversity allows us the opportunity to find out what we are capable of, to access aspects of ourselves that we did not know existed, inner resources we didn’t know we had, and to develop our strengths.
Adversity can teach us that we have the ability to rise beyond our environment, that we are powerful beings who co-create our lives. This knowing brings not only inner strength and self-empowerment, but also ultimately wisdom. Instead of being victim to circumstances which shift and change throughout the years, we can choose to know that no matter where we find ourselves, we have the ability to grapple with both the external situation and our attitude about it. Like a small leaf being carried down a river, we can accept that we will move through different times and challenges. Rather than judging ourselves for what life hands us, we can trust that if life doesn’t dump us on pleasant shores, we will find a way to create what we desire, whether in attitude or actual circumstances.
Look at a difficult situation in your life right now. Are you using it to develop your strengths and compassion for yourself, or are you telling your self that you are bad, or that life isn’t fair?
Like Psyche, a goddess in Greek mythology, who despite tremendous obstacles, persisted in nearly impossible tasks and in the process made her soul complete, we can do the same. By owning our capacities and developing them, we create our lives and world. We come to find out who we are. Things do not have to be easy to be okay.
copyright jennifer lehr 2008 Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/adversity-is-an-opportunity/
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Why I wrote "How to talk about what we need to talk about but can't talk about."
I wrote this article because this is an area where I can get scared. When I am in the state of needing to talk about something, and the other person gets triggered, I can feel myself tense up. My own history of not feeling heard emerges. I had to learn how to not keep trying to talk about the thing that I wanted to talk about, and instead talk about what was actually happening between myself and the other person. This enabled me to become less reactive, use my brain differently, and develop an increased ability to stay in the present moment. I would love to hear about your experience with this.
Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/why-i-wrote-how-to-talk-about-what-we-need-to-talk-about-but-cant-talk-about/
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
HOW TO TALK ABOUT WHAT WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT BUT NEED TO TALK ABOUT
Sometimes our wounds collide in such a way that we hit a roadblock. One of us has an intense need to talk about something.The other can't bear hearing about it. For example: Jane was worried about how her partner took care of everyone in the world except himself, including his health. He seemed weak to her in this area and it bothered her. She felt a burning desire to talk to him about this. She couldn't stand being silent. One night she brought it up, but Steve only heard what was wrong with him, how he wasn't good enough. He felt ashamed, upset, angry, abandoned and sad. "Get me out of here," his brain screamed. Jane realized it was going all-wrong and she felt frantic and bad. This isn't what she wanted.She wanted him to understand what she was saying, to see what was wrong and change. Instead, he left saying he needed to be by himself to think. "Oh God," she thought, "What did I do? How do I deal with this?"
Jane and Steve have hit a roadblock. In this case, one of the party feels that they MUST express their feelings and what they see, and the other party feels that they MUST get away because they feel so hurt or trapped as a result. There is no space to talk. Both parties are caught in intense feelings and fears. Neither can move in any direction without a reaction, without bumping into a ghost from their past, or their partner's.When a couple finds themselves in this dynamic, stuffing feelings doesn't work and isn't the answer, nor does pushing the agenda.There is only one way out that works. The answer is this:
Jane says to Steve (or vice versa), "We are really struggling talking about this. Lets talk about why this discussion is so hard for us and what it is bringing up for us." Jane and Steve are no longer talking about the issue itself. Now they are talking about the minefield within which the issue resides. Jane says further, "I grew up watching my parents behave in ways that was really painful for me. My mom never confronted my dad on how he ignored me. She babied him instead. She took care of him instead of me. I couldn't stand it. There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless and it hurt. So when I watch you behave in certain ways, taking care of others instead of yourself (and therefore us), I am terrified. I feel turned off. I don't know what to do. I am afraid you aren't taking care of your health and I will lose you eventually. Then when I can't talk to you about what I see, I feel stuck. It also scares me because I want to be with you, but what if I get trapped? Trapped the way I felt as a kid with my parents. I don't know how to talk to you and get you to understand me in a way that feels safe to you and I really want to. I don't know how to be there for you and myself at the same time in this area." Steve thinks about this for a minute. He replies, "I need to know that you are not trying to change me, that you care about me the way I am. I have plenty of history around not being accepted, being put down, and being controlled so when we get into this area, I feel so hurt that I just want to run away. I feel unloved. I feel not good enough for you, or even for myself. It is such an awful feeling. How can I talk when it feels like you are criticizing me and I feel so horrible about myself?"
Steve and Jane are not talking about the issue of "You don't take care of yourself." Instead, they are talking about the issue of, "It is really hard to talk to you when I love you, but what I have to say will hurt you. I am scared of you reacting and being hurt and leaving." And they are talking about, "It's really hard to talk when I love you and am scared of losing you but I feel criticized, not good enough, and think I am disgusting to you." Steve and Jane need to talk about how difficult it is to talk about this, rather than the issue itself of Steve's caretaking of others. That is how they will eventually get to that issue.
The conversation continues. Jane says, "When I try to talk about this with you, you get hurt and I get really scared. I don't want to hurt you. I want you to know how much I care about you and how much I want us to be able to talk." Steve says, "When you try to talk about this with me, I feel hurt and want to leave and I don't want to leave you." They talk more about their fear of both losing each other and of being trapped in something that is not good for them. They talk about how this issue is so "hot" for both of them that they cannot talk about it. They talk about their histories and where these intense feelings are coming from. As Steve and Jane talk, they are opening up space around their wounds and fears. They are bringing in some fresh air and getting to know and understand each other better. They are learning new things about each other and themselves. Steve doesn't take care of himself because he doesn't fully value himself. He's learned to value his ability to give to others instead. Jane pushes to be seen, because she was so unseen as a child.
Steve and Jane discover that they have a way to talk that they did not use to have. They both understand why they are reacting so strongly to the other. They understand what they are afraid of. This is what they need to talk about first, before they can ever get to the actual "issue," because the issue is embedded in their wounds. Both come to understand and have empathy for the other. Both become more able to see themselves and talk about who they are and how they impact each other.
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/how-to-talk-about-what-we-cant-talk-about-but-need-to-talk-about/
Jane and Steve have hit a roadblock. In this case, one of the party feels that they MUST express their feelings and what they see, and the other party feels that they MUST get away because they feel so hurt or trapped as a result. There is no space to talk. Both parties are caught in intense feelings and fears. Neither can move in any direction without a reaction, without bumping into a ghost from their past, or their partner's.When a couple finds themselves in this dynamic, stuffing feelings doesn't work and isn't the answer, nor does pushing the agenda.There is only one way out that works. The answer is this:
Jane says to Steve (or vice versa), "We are really struggling talking about this. Lets talk about why this discussion is so hard for us and what it is bringing up for us." Jane and Steve are no longer talking about the issue itself. Now they are talking about the minefield within which the issue resides. Jane says further, "I grew up watching my parents behave in ways that was really painful for me. My mom never confronted my dad on how he ignored me. She babied him instead. She took care of him instead of me. I couldn't stand it. There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless and it hurt. So when I watch you behave in certain ways, taking care of others instead of yourself (and therefore us), I am terrified. I feel turned off. I don't know what to do. I am afraid you aren't taking care of your health and I will lose you eventually. Then when I can't talk to you about what I see, I feel stuck. It also scares me because I want to be with you, but what if I get trapped? Trapped the way I felt as a kid with my parents. I don't know how to talk to you and get you to understand me in a way that feels safe to you and I really want to. I don't know how to be there for you and myself at the same time in this area." Steve thinks about this for a minute. He replies, "I need to know that you are not trying to change me, that you care about me the way I am. I have plenty of history around not being accepted, being put down, and being controlled so when we get into this area, I feel so hurt that I just want to run away. I feel unloved. I feel not good enough for you, or even for myself. It is such an awful feeling. How can I talk when it feels like you are criticizing me and I feel so horrible about myself?"
Steve and Jane are not talking about the issue of "You don't take care of yourself." Instead, they are talking about the issue of, "It is really hard to talk to you when I love you, but what I have to say will hurt you. I am scared of you reacting and being hurt and leaving." And they are talking about, "It's really hard to talk when I love you and am scared of losing you but I feel criticized, not good enough, and think I am disgusting to you." Steve and Jane need to talk about how difficult it is to talk about this, rather than the issue itself of Steve's caretaking of others. That is how they will eventually get to that issue.
The conversation continues. Jane says, "When I try to talk about this with you, you get hurt and I get really scared. I don't want to hurt you. I want you to know how much I care about you and how much I want us to be able to talk." Steve says, "When you try to talk about this with me, I feel hurt and want to leave and I don't want to leave you." They talk more about their fear of both losing each other and of being trapped in something that is not good for them. They talk about how this issue is so "hot" for both of them that they cannot talk about it. They talk about their histories and where these intense feelings are coming from. As Steve and Jane talk, they are opening up space around their wounds and fears. They are bringing in some fresh air and getting to know and understand each other better. They are learning new things about each other and themselves. Steve doesn't take care of himself because he doesn't fully value himself. He's learned to value his ability to give to others instead. Jane pushes to be seen, because she was so unseen as a child.
Steve and Jane discover that they have a way to talk that they did not use to have. They both understand why they are reacting so strongly to the other. They understand what they are afraid of. This is what they need to talk about first, before they can ever get to the actual "issue," because the issue is embedded in their wounds. Both come to understand and have empathy for the other. Both become more able to see themselves and talk about who they are and how they impact each other.
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/how-to-talk-about-what-we-cant-talk-about-but-need-to-talk-about/
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
When Wounds Collide
When wounds collide, we suffer and we don't feel safe. Our partner becomes somebody we no longer trust. It is one of the most painful aspects of a relationship. When we are scared, we act in ways that do not help our relationships. When we feel safe, our relationships can blossom. Do you remember O'Henry's story "The Gift of the Magi"? In that story, Della cut off her most valued asset, her hair, to buy a watch chain for her husband Jim. Jim's most valuable possession was his watch. He sold his beautiful watch, to buy a barrette for his wife's gorgeous hair. It is a story of two people willing to sacrifice what is most valuable to them to express their love. The following story is about the opposite. It is a story of two people terrified to lose what they need most - a picture of what happens when our wounds collide.
Jason had picked up his wife Mattie and they were driving to an event together. Mattie asked Jason if he had put the cats in for the night. Jason replied, "Well I got Fluffy in but not Whisper." Mattie froze. "Did you shut the cat door?" she asked. "Yes, of course," Jason said, not seeing what was coming. Mattie started to tear up. "What do you mean? Are you kidding?" she said. "No," Jason said, feeling confused. "You locked Whisper out?" she asked again, incredulous. "I called and called and he didn't come home." Jason explained. "But there are coyotes," she said. "What if he is chased and runs to the door and it is shut and he gets caught and eaten?" "That won't happen," Jason replied. "I've never seen a coyote around here and he is a smart cat. He can get on the roof or climb a tree." Mattie is sitting stiffly. She feels alone and trapped. She knows he could be right, but she also knows that if something happened, she wouldn't be able to live with herself. She is imagining Whisper running for the door and feeling terrified as a coyote runs after him. "Do you want me to turn around and ruin this evening?" Jason asked, his voice cutting through the air angrily. "No," Mattie mumbled. She is silent and upset. She doesn't know what to say. Jason also feels confused. He starts sinking into an overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness. "Why she is being so irrational? What just happened? How could my perfectly sane woman lose her mind?"
When they came home later that night, Whisper was at the front door waiting for them. Later they talked. Mattie said maybe it would have been better to have asked to turn around and have him be mad rather than to be unable to forgive herself if something had happened to Whisper. Jason said that if she had insisted that they turn around, he wouldn't just be mad. He would be struggling with a lot of doubt about being in a relationship with someone who was irrational. He said that not turning around was a big deal for him. It had given him hope that she wasn't crazy like all the others. Although they could talk about the incident, they were at an impasse.
What is going on here?
Mattie had grown up on a farm. She had many pets as a child, and these pets were very important to her. There were many tragedies over the years; pet ducklings brutally decapitated by a raccoon in the middle of the night, shrieks filling the air, a pheasant chick that was accidentally stepped on and died in front of her, the family dog shot by a hunter. With each of these tragedies and many more, Mattie had wished she had been able to foresee and prevent it. Instead, whenever one of her pets died, she felt responsible, scared and alone. For her, the idea of her beloved Whisper being locked out and perhaps unsafe, was intolerable. And the thought that Jason would get angry instead of have empathy and understand her, brought her right back to some of the feelings and events of her childhood.
Jason had grown up in with a violently alcoholic father who would taunt him and his siblings. He watched this wildly illogical man harm his family, watched as he beat them, and tormented them. He had watched his mother's helplessness, the pain on his mother's face and her early death due to stress. He had no tolerance for anything illogical. For him it was also a matter of life and death. Mattie's seeming illogical thinking made him feel completely unsafe and scared him to death.
As Mattie and Jason continued to talk, they came to see that their wounds were very much alive for them. They realized that they both had a lot of fear around these areas that needed to be attended to. They also realized that they could be friends and talk despite the feelings that were being triggered in each of them.
"When Wounds Collide," is a common dynamic and painful aspect in many relationships. For this scenario to resolve, both parties have to look at how fear is coloring their perceptions and gain some perspective. Mattie needs to bring in some sense of reason. Yes, it could happen, a coyote could eat Whisper, but it wasn't likely. Jason needs to realize that 1% craziness in somebody is not the same as 100% as in his father. Both parties need to understand and communicate their wounds. They need to see how their wounds keep them limited and that their wounds are calling to be tended to, healed, and transcended. Each needs to see that the other is not their mortal enemy, but another injured person. Each needs to develop empathy for the other, and be able to step out of his or her own perspective. As we share our wounds, affirm both ours and our partner's, we are starting a healing process. We are no longer completely alone with our fear.
Is there a place in your relationship where this dynamic occurs, where your wounds collide?
Describe this dynamic in your relationship and the wounds that get activated.
Can you describe your wound?
Can you describe your partners?
Are you willing to and able to talk about this with your partner?
Are you exploring how to heal this wound?
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/when-wounds-collide/
Jason had picked up his wife Mattie and they were driving to an event together. Mattie asked Jason if he had put the cats in for the night. Jason replied, "Well I got Fluffy in but not Whisper." Mattie froze. "Did you shut the cat door?" she asked. "Yes, of course," Jason said, not seeing what was coming. Mattie started to tear up. "What do you mean? Are you kidding?" she said. "No," Jason said, feeling confused. "You locked Whisper out?" she asked again, incredulous. "I called and called and he didn't come home." Jason explained. "But there are coyotes," she said. "What if he is chased and runs to the door and it is shut and he gets caught and eaten?" "That won't happen," Jason replied. "I've never seen a coyote around here and he is a smart cat. He can get on the roof or climb a tree." Mattie is sitting stiffly. She feels alone and trapped. She knows he could be right, but she also knows that if something happened, she wouldn't be able to live with herself. She is imagining Whisper running for the door and feeling terrified as a coyote runs after him. "Do you want me to turn around and ruin this evening?" Jason asked, his voice cutting through the air angrily. "No," Mattie mumbled. She is silent and upset. She doesn't know what to say. Jason also feels confused. He starts sinking into an overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness. "Why she is being so irrational? What just happened? How could my perfectly sane woman lose her mind?"
When they came home later that night, Whisper was at the front door waiting for them. Later they talked. Mattie said maybe it would have been better to have asked to turn around and have him be mad rather than to be unable to forgive herself if something had happened to Whisper. Jason said that if she had insisted that they turn around, he wouldn't just be mad. He would be struggling with a lot of doubt about being in a relationship with someone who was irrational. He said that not turning around was a big deal for him. It had given him hope that she wasn't crazy like all the others. Although they could talk about the incident, they were at an impasse.
What is going on here?
Mattie had grown up on a farm. She had many pets as a child, and these pets were very important to her. There were many tragedies over the years; pet ducklings brutally decapitated by a raccoon in the middle of the night, shrieks filling the air, a pheasant chick that was accidentally stepped on and died in front of her, the family dog shot by a hunter. With each of these tragedies and many more, Mattie had wished she had been able to foresee and prevent it. Instead, whenever one of her pets died, she felt responsible, scared and alone. For her, the idea of her beloved Whisper being locked out and perhaps unsafe, was intolerable. And the thought that Jason would get angry instead of have empathy and understand her, brought her right back to some of the feelings and events of her childhood.
Jason had grown up in with a violently alcoholic father who would taunt him and his siblings. He watched this wildly illogical man harm his family, watched as he beat them, and tormented them. He had watched his mother's helplessness, the pain on his mother's face and her early death due to stress. He had no tolerance for anything illogical. For him it was also a matter of life and death. Mattie's seeming illogical thinking made him feel completely unsafe and scared him to death.
As Mattie and Jason continued to talk, they came to see that their wounds were very much alive for them. They realized that they both had a lot of fear around these areas that needed to be attended to. They also realized that they could be friends and talk despite the feelings that were being triggered in each of them.
"When Wounds Collide," is a common dynamic and painful aspect in many relationships. For this scenario to resolve, both parties have to look at how fear is coloring their perceptions and gain some perspective. Mattie needs to bring in some sense of reason. Yes, it could happen, a coyote could eat Whisper, but it wasn't likely. Jason needs to realize that 1% craziness in somebody is not the same as 100% as in his father. Both parties need to understand and communicate their wounds. They need to see how their wounds keep them limited and that their wounds are calling to be tended to, healed, and transcended. Each needs to see that the other is not their mortal enemy, but another injured person. Each needs to develop empathy for the other, and be able to step out of his or her own perspective. As we share our wounds, affirm both ours and our partner's, we are starting a healing process. We are no longer completely alone with our fear.
Is there a place in your relationship where this dynamic occurs, where your wounds collide?
Describe this dynamic in your relationship and the wounds that get activated.
Can you describe your wound?
Can you describe your partners?
Are you willing to and able to talk about this with your partner?
Are you exploring how to heal this wound?
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/when-wounds-collide/
Sunday, March 7, 2010
LOOKING INWARD - MAKING "SENSE" OF OURSELVES
I witness a lot of pain in my work. People don't come to see me because everything in their lives is working. They come to see me because something isn't working, because they are in pain. When I first sit down with someone, I'm looking for the pain. What is happening that is so difficult? What is the source of the grief, anger, worry, fear, despair, guilt, addictions or shame? Why are relationships not working where partners feel betrayed, attacked, unsupported or abandoned? What is keeping this particular person or relationship from peace, harmony and love, from a sense of home, a sense of being enough?
How can I help? Therapy is actually an ongoing and repetitive process. It is the process of learning the language of self, an understanding of who we are, both in a felt sense, as well as our inner story. It is also a process of being attended to by another - in a different way, in a way that allows the brain to rewire, rebuild, rewrite, so that we can experience the world differently and thereby step into a different world.
What went wrong? Many of us can benefit from a new understanding of ourselves. What happened (or did not happen) and continues to occur that keeps us from functioning fully or reaching our potential?
Historically, through repeated experiences with our caretakers, or other significant relationships, our minds have created models, or 'lenses' that affect our view of both others and ourselves. These lenses color our experience. Everything that we have lived and experienced is wired into us. "Our brains are constructed to be directly influenced by their interactions with other brains." (Siegel & Hartzell) For example: lets suppose that you had a father who wasn't very interested in you as a child or teenager. Later in life, if you are ignored, or in a relationship with someone who withdraws, the same feelings of abandonment, desperation, pain or anger can be triggered which you then respond or react to - without knowing where it came from. This is how our past continues to live inside of us and recreates our experiences.
Although we can't change our histories, we can "make sense" of our childhood experiences, positive and negative. We can untangle our wounds, our disconnections, and our defensive ways of relating to others. We can allow this understanding into our ongoing life story, which enables us to change the way we think about those events, and means we can modify their impact on us.
Human beings, among other things, are energetic and evolutionary systems. As both our world and we evolve, we gain new information, new abilities to change our experience and ourselves. For example, a metaphor for this could be as follows. Once upon a time, the people in a village noticed that whenever it rained, the banks of a river flooded and their houses were ruined. They decided to study what was occurring, to see if they could make sense of it and save their houses. Having studied the water patterns, they decided to change the path of the flow - barriers and channels that diverted the water, so that when it rained, the excess water has somewhere else to go. Their houses no longer flooded. They had to understand what was occurring before they could change it. However, we are dealing with emotion, not water. It is the flow of emotions that we get lost in, that flood us, or dry up and leave us disconnected. In therapy we learn how to understand and reprocess our emotions, especially our feelings. There are several elements to this:
* Understanding our 'story' by reflecting on our childhood experiences, the feelings that we had about those experiences and how they are affecting our behavior now. Making sense of our life enables us to understand others and ourselves more fully. This allows us to have more choices in our behaviors and how we interpret and even choose our experiences. This also allows us to know where we stand, where we are vulnerable and is a step towards knowing what we need, deserve and can ask for.
* Noticing what happens to us moment-to-moment. In-the-moment awareness reveals the links between trigger, feeling and behavior. We come to learn why a trigger, (my partner visits his friend instead of spending time with me) causes a feeling (anger/fear), a thought (he doesn't put me first) and a behavior (I scream at him or withdraw). This flow of emotion and energy is set in motion for a reason (perhaps our father never had time for us).
Over time the larger story, and the moment-to-moment narrative interact and we come to understand ourselves more fully.
So often I have someone tell me that they had a "good" childhood. And they believe that they did. But as we talk, something else emerges. Feelings. Feelings that they had pushed away such as shame, embarrassment or hurt. Instead of recognizing these feelings, that person lives in a narrative that it is all "okay". It is like living in an empty shell of an idea, but underneath, there is a lot more going on.
As stories emerge the feelings come into view. This person may not want to know that part of themselves, but if they able to allow it, we can then see how they felt alone, or scared, or upset and how that impacted their sense of self. Until we reprocess our feelings, we don't know who we really are. Sooner or later, a relationship doesn't work, or we find ourselves anxious or depressed. There is a story with feelings connected to the symptoms. The symptoms allow for an opportunity to explore the deeper story, the feelings and moment-to-moment shifts in awareness.
As we de-link the current trigger from the past, we can begin to make sense of why we react so strongly to something that actually may not seem like such a big deal logically. This is also where we can begin to understand what we need, why we are vulnerable, and how having this vulnerability attended to is healing. It is here where we step out from being people whom are shaped strictly by our DNA and experiences, and begin to step into the role of creators of our life experience, and nurturers and healers of those we love as we move forward.
Never before in history have we had this knowledge about the plasticity of the brain, about the impact of our experiences with our caretakers on our sense of self and the creation of our lives, our partner's and children's lives and our world.
Where are you struggling in your life? What have you historically been triggered by? How does it connect to relational issues, especially around nurturing? Write about what you struggle with, and where you think it may come from. Write a story about what it was like to be you at that time, and how that pain is impacting you now.
If you are interested in learning more about the brain and psychological health, MindSight by Daniel J. Siegel, MD is a good read. If you are interested in parenting, Parenting from the inside out by Daniel J. Siegel MD and Mary Hartzell M.Ed is also very good.
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/looking-inward-making-sense-of-ourselves/
How can I help? Therapy is actually an ongoing and repetitive process. It is the process of learning the language of self, an understanding of who we are, both in a felt sense, as well as our inner story. It is also a process of being attended to by another - in a different way, in a way that allows the brain to rewire, rebuild, rewrite, so that we can experience the world differently and thereby step into a different world.
What went wrong? Many of us can benefit from a new understanding of ourselves. What happened (or did not happen) and continues to occur that keeps us from functioning fully or reaching our potential?
Historically, through repeated experiences with our caretakers, or other significant relationships, our minds have created models, or 'lenses' that affect our view of both others and ourselves. These lenses color our experience. Everything that we have lived and experienced is wired into us. "Our brains are constructed to be directly influenced by their interactions with other brains." (Siegel & Hartzell) For example: lets suppose that you had a father who wasn't very interested in you as a child or teenager. Later in life, if you are ignored, or in a relationship with someone who withdraws, the same feelings of abandonment, desperation, pain or anger can be triggered which you then respond or react to - without knowing where it came from. This is how our past continues to live inside of us and recreates our experiences.
Although we can't change our histories, we can "make sense" of our childhood experiences, positive and negative. We can untangle our wounds, our disconnections, and our defensive ways of relating to others. We can allow this understanding into our ongoing life story, which enables us to change the way we think about those events, and means we can modify their impact on us.
Human beings, among other things, are energetic and evolutionary systems. As both our world and we evolve, we gain new information, new abilities to change our experience and ourselves. For example, a metaphor for this could be as follows. Once upon a time, the people in a village noticed that whenever it rained, the banks of a river flooded and their houses were ruined. They decided to study what was occurring, to see if they could make sense of it and save their houses. Having studied the water patterns, they decided to change the path of the flow - barriers and channels that diverted the water, so that when it rained, the excess water has somewhere else to go. Their houses no longer flooded. They had to understand what was occurring before they could change it. However, we are dealing with emotion, not water. It is the flow of emotions that we get lost in, that flood us, or dry up and leave us disconnected. In therapy we learn how to understand and reprocess our emotions, especially our feelings. There are several elements to this:
* Understanding our 'story' by reflecting on our childhood experiences, the feelings that we had about those experiences and how they are affecting our behavior now. Making sense of our life enables us to understand others and ourselves more fully. This allows us to have more choices in our behaviors and how we interpret and even choose our experiences. This also allows us to know where we stand, where we are vulnerable and is a step towards knowing what we need, deserve and can ask for.
* Noticing what happens to us moment-to-moment. In-the-moment awareness reveals the links between trigger, feeling and behavior. We come to learn why a trigger, (my partner visits his friend instead of spending time with me) causes a feeling (anger/fear), a thought (he doesn't put me first) and a behavior (I scream at him or withdraw). This flow of emotion and energy is set in motion for a reason (perhaps our father never had time for us).
Over time the larger story, and the moment-to-moment narrative interact and we come to understand ourselves more fully.
So often I have someone tell me that they had a "good" childhood. And they believe that they did. But as we talk, something else emerges. Feelings. Feelings that they had pushed away such as shame, embarrassment or hurt. Instead of recognizing these feelings, that person lives in a narrative that it is all "okay". It is like living in an empty shell of an idea, but underneath, there is a lot more going on.
As stories emerge the feelings come into view. This person may not want to know that part of themselves, but if they able to allow it, we can then see how they felt alone, or scared, or upset and how that impacted their sense of self. Until we reprocess our feelings, we don't know who we really are. Sooner or later, a relationship doesn't work, or we find ourselves anxious or depressed. There is a story with feelings connected to the symptoms. The symptoms allow for an opportunity to explore the deeper story, the feelings and moment-to-moment shifts in awareness.
As we de-link the current trigger from the past, we can begin to make sense of why we react so strongly to something that actually may not seem like such a big deal logically. This is also where we can begin to understand what we need, why we are vulnerable, and how having this vulnerability attended to is healing. It is here where we step out from being people whom are shaped strictly by our DNA and experiences, and begin to step into the role of creators of our life experience, and nurturers and healers of those we love as we move forward.
Never before in history have we had this knowledge about the plasticity of the brain, about the impact of our experiences with our caretakers on our sense of self and the creation of our lives, our partner's and children's lives and our world.
Where are you struggling in your life? What have you historically been triggered by? How does it connect to relational issues, especially around nurturing? Write about what you struggle with, and where you think it may come from. Write a story about what it was like to be you at that time, and how that pain is impacting you now.
If you are interested in learning more about the brain and psychological health, MindSight by Daniel J. Siegel, MD is a good read. If you are interested in parenting, Parenting from the inside out by Daniel J. Siegel MD and Mary Hartzell M.Ed is also very good.
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/looking-inward-making-sense-of-ourselves/
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Innovations in Couples Therapy
I recently spent a week at a training workshop for therapists on Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. While I have been working with couples for years, there is always more to learn; I believe that this is the best couples methodology available today. Currently there are new frontiers opening in brain research, child development, and the need for safe secure connections in our primary relationships. These new areas of knowledge impact the practice of psychotherapy, especially around the areas of intimate relationships as well as how we have the power to alter our feelings, perceptions and responses.
What makes a relationship work? It is one of the questions I have been asking and answering in my own life. Because of my own history, developing the ability to have healthy nourishing relationships, to be present, direct and also be vulnerable has been a long and ongoing process. I remember once watching a romantic movie over and over again, gripped with the impending connection, the hope for absolute and complete harmony, for the feeling of truly loving and being loved.
Think about your relationship or what you imagine your relationship will be like. What do you long for? What do you dream about? What are the feelings you are looking for? Connection? Love? Safety?
As babies, we are held, fed, and attended to, and we grow in this context of connection. We continue to need connection throughout our adult lives. We long to be understood, to be cared for and to be loved. We long to know that we are important; that how we feel matters. We long to flow effortlessly between connection and autonomy. But our relationships are not so easy. Distressed couples are so because they do not feel safe connecting. As situations occur that frustrate that need for safe connection, disharmonies arise between us, as do both FEELINGS and behaviors. We develop strategies to not feel our grief, anger, shame and fear. We may cut off our own longing and not feel our need for connection. We may get angry and bitter to keep from feeling the grief that is underneath. These strategies that protect us, also limit our relationships.
As a therapist, I watch how couples interact. I notice how they talk to each other, who moves forward and how, who holds back. How we respond to each other creates a pattern. Noticing the pattern is important, because the pattern itself must be addressed.
This dance we do with each other stirs deep feelings that we act out causing painful cycles of interaction that repeat and repeat.
The other important piece is the feelings themselves. In therapy, we unpack feelings that are below the surface, below the mirage of the laundry that is never put away, or the frustration of a partner who wants to stay home instead of go out. Because we get stuck in the "above ground" issues, we don't understand what is underneath; that we don't feel cared for, loved, respected or understood. Most of us don't fully understand our historical relational wounds and how they impact us. We often don't face our partners and tell them about our hurts and what we need. When we do, they sometimes cannot hear us.
While straightening this out, both the therapist and the partners sometimes get caught in compromise. "If you do this, I will do that," etc. Compromise doesn't deal with the deeper longings for safe connection. It is like rearranging the furniture in a room that is falling down. Changing our relationships involves learning new ways of being, reorganizing our emotions and experience, and understanding ourselves differently EXPERIENTIALLY. As we interact with ourselves and partner differently, we are actually architecting a different brain. It also means that both parties will be emotionally uncomfortable for a while. And that is a big deal. I don't know anybody who says, "Great, I want to be emotionally uncomfortable. I want to feel vulnerable, scared, or in pain." It is inherently uncomfortable to connect with our primary feelings and communicate our vulnerabilities, yet it is an essential part of change. While the old pattern keeps us stuck, emotional responsiveness allows our love to grow. Are you willing to be uncomfortable?
Very briefly, here's what has to happen:
We identify the relationship pattern.
We take responsibility for our part.
We get in touch with our deeper feelings including old wounds affecting our perceptions and needs.
We take responsibility for how our part of the pattern affects our partner's feelings.
We listen to our partner talk about his or her feelings.
We share our own feelings.
We support each other in this process.
Lets suppose we have a couple where one of the partners is closed down and the other is more volatile (this is very common). The closed down person (let's say he) often doesn't really know his feelings. He got away from them a long time ago, as they weren't fun. Maybe as a child, he was criticized or his feelings weren't supported. He suppressed those feeling; packed them away. He tends to be cerebral and logical. He doesn't know how to open up and be vulnerable, and the idea of it is frankly, scary. The volatile partner is more connected to her emotions, but often it is anger that is expressed, not her longing for connection, or her feelings of not wanting to be abandoned, or wanting to be considered more. That partner has learned how to try to assertively get what she wants rather than be open and vulnerable as well as feel and then communicate her pain. What happens when these two get together? When they run into a conflict, he will withdraw, and she will attempt to get what she needs by moving forward, often with some anger. He hides more and she pushes more. They get caught in a cycle. Neither realizes that the cycle is caused by both of them. Both feel like it is the other person's fault. Neither knows how to change the cycle. Neither person feels safe.
The mission of the EFT therapist is to enable both partners to experience their primary feelings and longings, explore, organize, and ultimately communicate them to their partner. This requires the partner who doesn't have good access to his feelings to DEVELOP access to his feelings. It requires the angry partner to stop blaming and see the vulnerability of the more withdrawn partner, and later to also show her own vulnerability and need. When a couple begins to do this, they are responding to, and caring for each other rather than reacting, closing down, blaming or pushing the other away. As each develops in their ability to feel, understand feelings that they were not aware of, and open to the other, they become a stronger couple. They feel safer and more secure. They both change into people who are capable of a nourishing relationship.
If this sounds useful to you, you have some options. These include reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, attend a Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop (I hope to be running one in a few months), or find a therapist using EFT (like me) by going to www.iceeft.com.
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/innovations-in-couples-therapy-2/
What makes a relationship work? It is one of the questions I have been asking and answering in my own life. Because of my own history, developing the ability to have healthy nourishing relationships, to be present, direct and also be vulnerable has been a long and ongoing process. I remember once watching a romantic movie over and over again, gripped with the impending connection, the hope for absolute and complete harmony, for the feeling of truly loving and being loved.
Think about your relationship or what you imagine your relationship will be like. What do you long for? What do you dream about? What are the feelings you are looking for? Connection? Love? Safety?
As babies, we are held, fed, and attended to, and we grow in this context of connection. We continue to need connection throughout our adult lives. We long to be understood, to be cared for and to be loved. We long to know that we are important; that how we feel matters. We long to flow effortlessly between connection and autonomy. But our relationships are not so easy. Distressed couples are so because they do not feel safe connecting. As situations occur that frustrate that need for safe connection, disharmonies arise between us, as do both FEELINGS and behaviors. We develop strategies to not feel our grief, anger, shame and fear. We may cut off our own longing and not feel our need for connection. We may get angry and bitter to keep from feeling the grief that is underneath. These strategies that protect us, also limit our relationships.
As a therapist, I watch how couples interact. I notice how they talk to each other, who moves forward and how, who holds back. How we respond to each other creates a pattern. Noticing the pattern is important, because the pattern itself must be addressed.
This dance we do with each other stirs deep feelings that we act out causing painful cycles of interaction that repeat and repeat.
The other important piece is the feelings themselves. In therapy, we unpack feelings that are below the surface, below the mirage of the laundry that is never put away, or the frustration of a partner who wants to stay home instead of go out. Because we get stuck in the "above ground" issues, we don't understand what is underneath; that we don't feel cared for, loved, respected or understood. Most of us don't fully understand our historical relational wounds and how they impact us. We often don't face our partners and tell them about our hurts and what we need. When we do, they sometimes cannot hear us.
While straightening this out, both the therapist and the partners sometimes get caught in compromise. "If you do this, I will do that," etc. Compromise doesn't deal with the deeper longings for safe connection. It is like rearranging the furniture in a room that is falling down. Changing our relationships involves learning new ways of being, reorganizing our emotions and experience, and understanding ourselves differently EXPERIENTIALLY. As we interact with ourselves and partner differently, we are actually architecting a different brain. It also means that both parties will be emotionally uncomfortable for a while. And that is a big deal. I don't know anybody who says, "Great, I want to be emotionally uncomfortable. I want to feel vulnerable, scared, or in pain." It is inherently uncomfortable to connect with our primary feelings and communicate our vulnerabilities, yet it is an essential part of change. While the old pattern keeps us stuck, emotional responsiveness allows our love to grow. Are you willing to be uncomfortable?
Very briefly, here's what has to happen:
We identify the relationship pattern.
We take responsibility for our part.
We get in touch with our deeper feelings including old wounds affecting our perceptions and needs.
We take responsibility for how our part of the pattern affects our partner's feelings.
We listen to our partner talk about his or her feelings.
We share our own feelings.
We support each other in this process.
Lets suppose we have a couple where one of the partners is closed down and the other is more volatile (this is very common). The closed down person (let's say he) often doesn't really know his feelings. He got away from them a long time ago, as they weren't fun. Maybe as a child, he was criticized or his feelings weren't supported. He suppressed those feeling; packed them away. He tends to be cerebral and logical. He doesn't know how to open up and be vulnerable, and the idea of it is frankly, scary. The volatile partner is more connected to her emotions, but often it is anger that is expressed, not her longing for connection, or her feelings of not wanting to be abandoned, or wanting to be considered more. That partner has learned how to try to assertively get what she wants rather than be open and vulnerable as well as feel and then communicate her pain. What happens when these two get together? When they run into a conflict, he will withdraw, and she will attempt to get what she needs by moving forward, often with some anger. He hides more and she pushes more. They get caught in a cycle. Neither realizes that the cycle is caused by both of them. Both feel like it is the other person's fault. Neither knows how to change the cycle. Neither person feels safe.
The mission of the EFT therapist is to enable both partners to experience their primary feelings and longings, explore, organize, and ultimately communicate them to their partner. This requires the partner who doesn't have good access to his feelings to DEVELOP access to his feelings. It requires the angry partner to stop blaming and see the vulnerability of the more withdrawn partner, and later to also show her own vulnerability and need. When a couple begins to do this, they are responding to, and caring for each other rather than reacting, closing down, blaming or pushing the other away. As each develops in their ability to feel, understand feelings that they were not aware of, and open to the other, they become a stronger couple. They feel safer and more secure. They both change into people who are capable of a nourishing relationship.
If this sounds useful to you, you have some options. These include reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, attend a Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop (I hope to be running one in a few months), or find a therapist using EFT (like me) by going to www.iceeft.com.
"Copyright Jennifer Lehr 2010" Originally published at http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/innovations-in-couples-therapy-2/
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